To the citizens of the United States of America
( as I know you guys all have a good sense of humour)
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:
In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.'Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). (I love that one)
Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.' ' (I love that one too)
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.)
8.You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
21 Answers
I would add:
That all citizens of the colony be issued with passports and be required to visit at least one non-English speaking country within a year.
and
All citizens be required to visit the state that is furthest from their home state.
The above requirements will result in citizens having a better understanding of the world.
The "ethnic bus tour" around the Polish district of Chicago will cease operation immediately.
Is this immediate, or do we have to wait until a royal heir competent to become King is born?
warm beer
Appendix 1
A course of education will need to be taken by every American (particularly New Yorkers) so that they understand that not every British person:
a. Personally knows the Queen.
b. Lives in London.
Just too funny and unfortunately too appropriate.
That was great Mary, I really needed that after this week. Thanks.
Americans could probably do all of the above if the English will no longer put an r on the end of Africa. Are you sure you're not just still angry about all that tea that went into the bay? A terrible waste of a good cuppa.
Although I did at first support , well not support really more kind of tip up , I am now
worried as to the type of English you wish to inflict upon the poor beleaguered
cousins across the waters . I do hate the "y know " and " like" , but to inflict the
cockney stutter , the Brummy whine the Scouse scramble or the Gordie grumble , on
a nation who at least one can understand is asking more than the human ear can
or should be subjected to . And then you lost me with the beer thing , since when has
the Kiwis produced a drinkable beer , wines yes there are a few I could guzzle quite
happily except you charge like wounded bulls for them , and hold off on the Kiwis
being world beaters in the Rugby , there happens to be a match on Saturday which
may just reorganize that statement for you , therefore my Kiwi comrade I am
awaiting a more detailed statement before I lend my support to your little scheme.
And please don't send your Royals here we have had enough of the bludgers .
New Applebees menu special - Fish n Chips, Yorkshire pudding and warm beer.....yum
I can't believe Mother is going to take us back! 
And I think to celebrate the re-annexing of these lands a new flag is quite in order!
It's actually not a "new" flag it's the "Grand Union" or "Cambridge Flag" from 1776 (Boston). And why shouldn't all you "new chums" be "inflicted" with a form of the Union Jack - we are 
I can laugh about everything said. I do have a sense of humor. But this was just too hurtful...
My relatives in New Jersey call them "Jug handles"... which to be honest is not as unpleasent as hearing "youuse guysse". - TexanChick 11 hrs ago flag
That is just hitting way too close to home. Especially from a fellow American!! 
Anyway, I thought you Brits had sent Fergie over to be our new Queen and "sort us out" as you say. 
I live fifteen minutes from Independence Hall where the Declaration of Independence was signed. But I will admit, this "rubbish"was hysterical.
Thanks for the laugh Mary!!! 
In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not be able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
A refreshing perspective. Thanks, Mary. I'm looking forward to watching much more BBC television than we get here in the states.
It's been a long time since I visited London but I think had there been no simple intersections of streets (and only roundabouts), I would remember. To change all the intersections here to roundabouts would be a formidable engineering task (there must be several thousand on the island of Manhattan, alone).
