Practice in Colloquial British English 2 - for English learners
Well here's another I made up...
It's set in a cafe as my friend and I (which I would most often, though incorrectly, say as 'me and my friend!) are taking a break from Christmas shopping.
Please ask any questions, add your own interpretations/guesses in standard English as you wish.
S: Oi Mark! Were you born in a barn or what?
M: Oops, sorry - I thought that guy was coming in behind me. I'll get it...
S: God, it's packed. Go and bag a table will you, while I get in the queue, ok?
M: Ok. Looks like that lot are leaving, I'll try and nab theirs before someone else does. Just get me a Cappuchino and some sort of pie, will you? Anything except steak and kidney.
S: Ok, I'll see what they have........ Sorry, they're out of pies - hope a sausage roll's ok? You got the last one!
M: It'll have to be, won't it? I'm not going anywhere else, the town's heaving and my stomach thinks my throat's been cut. How much did it rush you?
S: Ah, don't worry, it's my treat. You didn't even want to traipse round town in the first place!
M: It's not exactly that, but I'm skint so I can't buy a single present. I daren't put anything else on my card either, and as luck would have it the car's due its Tax and MOT as well.
S: I could lend you some if you like? I got my Christmas bonus early.
M: Thanks, that's really generous of you, but with my cash flow the way it is you might never see it again. Thanks for forking out this time, anyway, you're an angel!
S: Ha! You're just lucky you caught me when I'm not in the red for once. You know how money burns a hole in my pocket. How was the sausage roll, anyway?
M: Very yummy! It really hit the spot. I really needed a nice bit of stodge. Blow the diet, I'll get back on it in the New Year!
S: Of course you will......
Audio Recording added!!!!
This might help, well anyway it might give you a chuckle!
This time I'll leave it a few days before commenting on people's interpretations. 
11 Answers
S: Hey Mark! Didn't your parents give you an education or what?
M: Oops, sorry - I thought that guy was entering behind me. I'll close the door...
S: God, it's full of people. Go and take a table will you, while I get in the queue, ok?
M: Ok. Looks like that group is leaving, I'll try to take theirs before someone else does. Just get me a coffee and some sort of pie, will you? Anything except steak and kidney.
S: Ok, I'll see what they have........ Sorry, they're out of pies - I hope a sausage roll will be fine? You got the last one!
M: It'll have to be, won't it? I'm not going anywhere else, the town is packed with people and I'm starving. How much did it cost you?
S: Ah, don't worry, I'll invite. You didn't even want to traipse (hang out?) around town in the first place!
M: It's not exactly that, but I'm skint (broke?) so I can't buy a single present. I don't dare to pay anything else with my credit card, and to add to my bad luck I have to pay the car tax and the MoT test.
S: I could lend you some money if you want? I got my Christmas bonus early.
M: Thanks, that's really generous of you, but with my cash flow the way it is you might never see it again. Thanks for paying this time, anyway, you're an angel!
S: Ha! You're just lucky you caught me when I don't owe any money for once. You know how much of a spender I am. How was the sausage roll, anyway?
M: Delicious! It was just what I needed. I really needed a nice bit of stodge (meek, no clue.. meat? protein?). Forget about the diet, I'll get back on it in the New Year!
S: Of course you will......
S: Hey Mark! Why didn't you close that door?
M: Oops, sorry - I thought that guy was coming in behind me. I'll close it...
S: God, it's crowded/full of people. Go and take a table will you, while I get in the queue, ok?
M: Ok. Looks like those people are leaving, I'll try and get their table before someone else does. Just get me a Cappuchino and some sort of pie, will you? Anything except steak and kidney.
S: Ok, I'll see what they have........ Sorry, they're out of pies - hope a sausage roll's ok? You got the last one!
M: It'll have to be, won't it? I'm not going anywhere else, the town's crowded and my stomach hurts because I am so hungry. How much did it cost you?
S: Ah, don't worry, it's on me/I am paying. You didn't even want to traipse whohoooo, no idea, jeje, I guess go round the town, stroll round town in the first place!
M: It's not exactly that, but I'm broke so I can't buy a single present. I daren't pay with my credit card either, and as bad things don't come alone I have to pay/it is time to pay the car's TAX and MOT(in Spain ITV) as well.
S: I could lend you some if you like? I got my Christmas bonus early.
M: Thanks, that's really generous of you, but with my spending money like I do you might never see it again. Thanks for paying/coming to my help this time, anyway, you're an angel!
S: Ha! You're just lucky you caught me when I'm not in red numbers/broke for once. You know I can't keep money for long in my pocket. How was the sausage roll, anyway?
M: Very tasty! It was just right, great. I really needed a nice bit of junk food. Let's forget about the diet, I'll get back on it in the New Year!
S: Of course you will......
I've taped myself saying both this and the previous dialogue at a normal speed, I'm not sure where I can put them if other people want to listen for practice? If anyone has any ideas on this, please comment here or 'pm' me.
Great as always, Billstpor !
S: Oi Mark! Were you born in a barn or what?
M: Oops, sorry - I thought that guy was coming in behind me. I'll get it...
I don't get this, ... "close the door" ?
Could it be that someone is trying to sneak for a turn in a queue? Stealthily ...
Oh, this is great !! You can't learn this sort of way of talking unless you live here.
Haha - I missed this one, it is great - I am bringing forward so more can see it! Thankyou! 
I did not peek so let's see, jeje, I knew the barn thingy, we say:
¿Tienes sacos en las puertas o qué?
Some restaurants actually do have little bags hanging from the door so it closes without having to close it.
It took me like ten minutes to find this picture, jeje, very old fashioned method.
Sally, some of the words are challenging even for an English speaker. It is fun to learn or hear the different accents and word usages that English speakers use. This brings to mind a girl from England who was in my unit when I was in the service. She couldn't get enough listening to me talk (with my sloooow southern drawl). Her accent was rather foreign to me also. One of the words she used that stuck in my mind was 'thrip'ney stamp'.
Elaboration from my point of view on 'born in a barn'
Yes, in this case it refers to the fact that Mark appears to have forgotten/neglected to close the door. Remember, we're in England in the wintertime and people love to keep indoor spaces cosy!
Indeed, Mark had not forgotten, he thought, erroneously, that another man was about to enter the cafe. When Mark says - "I'll get it", he means 'I will close the door.'
I would only use this expression in a teasing, humorous way amongst good friends or family.
Were I to use it in anger, as a true insult, I agree with storm, I would be showing my own ill-breeding or lack of manners.
It originates, I believe, in the same way as other similar insults referring to a poor/unfortunate up-bringing. It is saying that a person was born into poverty, so poor that they had to live in an animal shelter, and assuming ignorance of the type of doors we have in houses etc. It's actually quite nasty, so keep it amongst friends who have a similar sense of humour regarding gentle teasing! (Ribbing!)
webdunce, you mentioned 'raised in a barn' - I love this, in England I don't know anybody who would say 'raised' we tend to say 'brought up'.
The word traipse.
Webdunce has given one interpretation, to me it's correct in some cases but doesn't quite 'hit the nail on the head' as I'm using the word here..
webdunce said...Traipse can mean simply walk or to walk around aimlessly. Usually said if there was a lot of walking (or even driving) that ended up serving no purpose
To me the main emphasis is that traipsing is a rather negative term, which is why I feel somewhat obliged to buy Mark's lunch! The situation, particularly, (to use a stereotype) when a guy is taken shopping around town for clothes with his partner when he'd rather be...watching football (or cricket!)... cleaning the car....on the Internet....anything really..
It's similar to 'being dragged around town', or, especially on a wet day or possibly a walk through muddy footpaths etc, 'trudging'!!
Those of you who don't live in such a wet old country have probably not needed to invent a word such as trudge!!
Audio added here too 
Well done galsally that's a really useful piece of work.
