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Un poema for proofing about "a flower"...REVISED

Un poema for proofing about "a flower"...REVISED

2
votes

I made more changes, and redid the ending as well...

Yo vi una flor tan triste, en un campo de soledad

Y le pregunté- ¿Adónde fueron tus colores? ¿Adónde fue tu felicidad?

Pero la flor no me contestó. Solo una mirada yo recibí

Una mirada de tristeza, de desesperanza

¿Sin vida se quedaría la flor? Amor era todo lo que necesitaba

Marchitando estaba la flor, como su pasión de la vida

Esperando que alguien la salvaría de este dolor

Cada madrugada, abriendo los ojos a la realidad

Deseando que todo fuese un sueño, porque una huida son

Y un día las tormentas se fueron y el sol salió

Ella conoció la luz de la vida y se le levantó el ánimo

Todo su sufrimiento y tristeza se desaparecieron

Sus colores brillaron de felicidad y su aroma olió a amor

2365 views
updated Nov 13, 2009
edited by NikkiLR
posted by NikkiLR
jeje...which you posted on vocabulary;) - 00494d19, Nov 11, 2009
oops - NikkiLR, Nov 11, 2009
Made some changes, and the corrections. I took out a few words too. Thanks guys... - NikkiLR, Nov 11, 2009

10 Answers

1
vote

Yo vi una flor tan triste, en un campo de soledad

Y le pregunté- ¿Adónde fueron tus colores? ¿Adónde fue tu felicidad?

Pero la flor calló. Solo una mirada -- recibí

Una mirada de tristeza, de desesperanza

¿Sin vida la flor quedaría? Amor era todo lo que necesitaba

Marchitando estaba la flor, como su pasión de la vida

Esperando que alguien la salvara de este dolor

Cada madrugada, abriendo los ojos a la realidad

Deseando que todo fuese un sueño, porque una huida son----???

Y un día las tormentas se fueron y el sol salió

Conoció la luz de la vida y se le levantó el ánimo

Todo el sufrimiento y tristeza se desvanecieron

Sus colores brillaron de felicidad y su aroma olió a amor

Hay algunas sugerencias, pero otras cosas no son correctas.

en negrita sugerencias, en cursiva y negrita errores.

updated Nov 12, 2009
posted by 00494d19
'desvanecer' Yeah, I like that. - chaparrito, Nov 12, 2009
1
vote

That was a 'typo' check. Here are some suggestions just in general: cheese

Vi una flor tan triste y solitaria, en un campo de soledad

'Yo vi...' is okay, but cutting out the 'Yo' makes it sound more authentic.

'Solitaria' to me gives more of a feeling of loneliness, which I think you are trying to convey.

updated Nov 11, 2009
posted by chaparrito
Yeah, i took out ¨sola¨it sounded funny... she is already in a field of lonliness... jeje - NikkiLR, Nov 11, 2009
Actually I think the way you had it, calling it lonely and also showing it in field of loneliness added emphasis. - chaparrito, Nov 11, 2009
1
vote

Simply Beautiful! ¡Te felicito! smile

Here's my suggestions:

Yo vi una flor tan triste y sola, en un campo de soledad

Y le pregunté- ¿Adónde fueron tus colores? ¿Adónde fue tu felicidad?

Pero la flor no me contestó. Solo una mirada yo recibí

Una mirada de tristeza, de desesperanza

¿Sin vida la flor quedaría? Amor era todo lo que necesitaba

Marchitando estaba la flor, como su pasión de la vida

Esperando que alguien la salvaría de este dolor

Cada madrugada, abriendo los ojos a la realidad

Deseando que todo fuese un sueño, porque una huida son.

Y un día el sol salió y ella conoció la luz de la vida

Todo su sufrimiento y tristeza se desaparecieron

Ahora, la flor estaba llena de vida, las tormentas se fueron.

Sus colores brillan de felicidad y su aroma huele de(?) amor

The word desesperanzada may be a word, but I couldn't find it anywhere. It looks like you wanted that 'ada' sound in your poem. Well, there's always "poetic license!" wink

updated Nov 11, 2009
edited by chaparrito
posted by chaparrito
Yeah, some mistakes are my bad... I had everything almost okay, and proofed, but I didnt save it after... :( - NikkiLR, Nov 11, 2009
Hey, that's not bad then! :-) - chaparrito, Nov 11, 2009
Thanks.... jeje. Yeah I write everything in my blog, and sometimes I dont updated my changes... it would have been almost perfect... - NikkiLR, Nov 11, 2009
0
votes

Sus colores brillaron de felicidad y su aroma olió a amor

Could you help me understand your slant on this one? Is it:

"Her colors shone forth happiness and her aroma smelled of love"

?

updated Nov 13, 2009
posted by chaparrito
Yup, thats pretty much it... - NikkiLR, Nov 11, 2009
Cool. I love the imagery. ;-) - chaparrito, Nov 11, 2009
Thank you. - NikkiLR, Nov 13, 2009
0
votes

¿Sin vida la flor quedaría?

Remain with out life, as it is. Is that correct?

Okay. I'm with you now. Yes, you almost have it. You might try putting the verb first. Try one of these two options:

My first choice would be:"¿Se quedaría sin vida la flor?" I think this flows well and keeps "remain," "without life" together.

My second choice would be:"¿Se quedaría la flor sin vida?" This breaks up the flow to me, however it does but let "without life" hang in the air at the end of the question.

You may decide on something completely different! But it was fun lending a hand (and an eye). wink

updated Nov 11, 2009
posted by chaparrito
0
votes

Deseando que todo fuese un sueño, porque una huida son.

wishing that all was a dream, because an excape they are (dreams)

Ahhh, now I think I see where you're going with it. smile

Here's where I personally think 'poetic license' applies. Technically you should use 'es' not 'son', since you said 'un sueño'. However poetically, I like that you used 'son.' It leads the mind from thinking of that one dream to encompassing all dreams in general. Nice! cool smile

On another note, I'm not sure 'huida' is the word you're after. I might be off, but you seem to have used escape in the sense of 'getting away from it all', or 'escaping reality'. The word 'huida' is more of a "fleeing for your life" or "getting out of harm's way" sense of escape. The word you might consider is 'evasión.'

Look at these three links to another on-line dictionary and see what you think. First is the English word escape and look at definition #3. (Also there is SpanishDict's escape definition. Look at the 2nd entry, #5.)

Now compare that to huida and evasión.

What do you think?

updated Nov 11, 2009
edited by chaparrito
posted by chaparrito
one dream to encompassing all dreams in general.... exactly.... - NikkiLR, Nov 11, 2009
0
votes

¿Sin vida se quedaría la flor? El amor era todo lo que necesitaba

This would be if you are trying to say, "Without life, would the flower remain?" as in 'stay around?'

And 'el' really should be there with 'amor'. wink

updated Nov 11, 2009
posted by chaparrito
Remain with out life, as it is. Is that correct? - NikkiLR, Nov 11, 2009
0
votes

... huele a amor

This should be 'del amor' or 'al amor'.

Of course these are all opinions, and in your poem, your opinions matter more. Also, as a 'closet' poet myself, I know that there is more to composing than proper grammer. The poem has to flow be one's own in order to feel right.

updated Nov 11, 2009
posted by chaparrito
0
votes

...porque una huida son.

To what are you refering here? The word 'todo' in that same line? Or 'la realidad' from the previous line? If so would it be '... porque una huida es'?

updated Nov 11, 2009
posted by chaparrito
dreams - NikkiLR, Nov 11, 2009
Deseando que todo fuese un sueño, porque una huida son. wishing that all was a dream, because an excape they are (dreams) - NikkiLR, Nov 11, 2009
0
votes

Pero la flor no me contestó. Solo una mirada recibí

Similar comment about 'yo' as previously mentioned. smile

updated Nov 11, 2009
posted by chaparrito