I have had access to this wonderful piece on how to kill a language:
Dear Abby: Having just read your column about how some people murder the English language, here are some examples taken from actual letters received by the local welfare department in applications for support:
1.'I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I had seven, but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper?
2.'Mrs Jones has not had any clothes for a year and half and has been visited regularly by the clergy?
3.? I am glad to report that my husband who is missing, is dead?
4.'I am very annoyed to find that your brand my son illeterate. This is a dirty lie, as I was married a week before he was borne?
5.'Please find out for certain if my husband is dead? The man I am living with can't eat or do anything until he knows?
6.'I am forwarding my marriage certificate and three children, one of which is a mistake as you can see?
7.'My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago, and I haven't had any relief since?
8.'Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to live an immortal life?
9.'You have changed my little boy to a girl, will this make a difference'?
10.'I have no children as yet as my husband is a truck driver and works day and night?
11. 'I want money quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks, and he doesn't do me any good'