Murdering the English language

12
votes

I have had access to this wonderful piece on how to kill a language:

Dear Abby: Having just read your column about how some people murder the English language, here are some examples taken from actual letters received by the local welfare department in applications for support:

1.'I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I had seven, but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper?
2.'Mrs Jones has not had any clothes for a year and half and has been visited regularly by the clergy?
3.? I am glad to report that my husband who is missing, is dead?
4.'I am very annoyed to find that your brand my son illeterate. This is a dirty lie, as I was married a week before he was borne?
5.'Please find out for certain if my husband is dead? The man I am living with can't eat or do anything until he knows?
6.'I am forwarding my marriage certificate and three children, one of which is a mistake as you can see?
7.'My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago, and I haven't had any relief since?
8.'Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to live an immortal life?
9.'You have changed my little boy to a girl, will this make a difference'?
10.'I have no children as yet as my husband is a truck driver and works day and night?
11. 'I want money quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks, and he doesn't do me any good'

4102 views
updated DIC 29, 2010
posted by 00494d19
"We are not abused" :)
I'm laffing so hard i kan barlley stand it?
rotfl
Hysterically funny ! Great examples Heidi of how people can unintentionally murder a language :)
¡Gracias por las carcajadas, mi reina! Desgraciadamente la lengua inglesa está al punto de morirse por la ignorancia de sus hablantes :- (
look at the date of the thread, it was published two years ago, jeje, there are some very good threads out there;)

14 Answers

5
votes

This reminds me of a story which I think was told by Peter Sellers, that well known actor. A fan sent him a letter asking for a "singed" photograph. As a joke, Peter took out his cigarette lighter and lightly burned all around the edges of a photograph and sent it to the fan. Some weeks late he had a further letter from the fan which said, Dear Mr Sellers, could you please forward another photograph because the previous one you sent has been "signed" all around the edges.

updated DIC 28, 2010
posted by Eddy
4
votes

Church Bulletin Bloopers can be very funny. Sometimes our pastor will read some for a little comic relief.

The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

  • The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

  • Evening massage - 6 pm.

  • The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

  • The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

  • Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 pm. Please use the back door.

  • Usher will eat latecomers.

  • The third verse of "Blessed Assurance" will be sung without musical accomplishment.

  • Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High".

  • Don't let worry kill you--let the church help.

  • Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

  • Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!

  • The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

  • This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

  • Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

  • This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

  • The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

  • Thursday night--Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

  • The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.

  • The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

  • The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

  • Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

  • Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

  • Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 pm in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

  • Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

  • Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

  • During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

  • The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."

  • Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

  • A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

  • The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 pm. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

  • For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

  • Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.

  • Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

  • The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility

  • Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Church. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

  • The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals.

  • Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

  • Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

  • Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Everyone come for a fun time.

  • The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

  • The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water.. "The sermon tonight "Searching for Jesus."

  • Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

  • At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our bell choir practice.

  • Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

  • Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

  • For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

  • The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

  • Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

  • The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

  • Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

  • The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

updated DIC 28, 2010
posted by sanlee
I love bloopers :)
These are a real laugh Sandy
Very nice, Sandy :)
2
votes

Some old Newspaper headlines

Something went wrong in jet crash, expert says.

Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers.

Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted.

Drunk gets nine months in violin case.

Survivor of siamese twins joins parents.

Farmer bill dies in house.

Iraqi head seeks arms.

Prostitutes appeal to Pope.

Stud tires out.

Panda mating fails; veterinarian takes over.

Soviet virgin lands short of goal again.

British left waffles on Falkland Islands.

Lung cancer in women mushrooms.

Eye drops off shelf.

Teacher strikes idle kids.

Reagan wins on budget, but more lies ahead.

Squad helps dog bite victim.

Shot off woman’s leg helps Nicklaus to a 66.

Enraged cow injures farmer with axe.

Plane too close to ground, crash probe told.

Miners refuse to work after death.

Juvenile court to try shooting defendant.

Stolen painting found by tree.

Two Soviet ships collide, one dies.

Two sisters reunited after 18 years at checkout counter.

Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years.

Never withhold herpes infection from loved one.

Drunken drivers paid $1000 in 1984.

War dims hope of peace.

If strike isn’t settled quickly it may last a while.

Cold wave linked to temperatures.

Enfields couple slain; police suspect homicide.

Red tape holds up new bridge.

Typhoons rips through cemetery; hundreds dead.

Man struck by lightening faces battery charge.

updated DIC 28, 2010
edited by ian-hill
posted by ian-hill
2
votes

We hear many funny/odd/awful things in the District Court sytem . But one thing that really, really annoys me is people (including judges/barristers) saying "pacifically" instead of 'specifically'. For example, `I pacifically went there to have a good time - not to get into a fight.'

Annie.

updated DIC 28, 2010
posted by nonombre
Including judges and barristers? That is scary!
2
votes

Eddy said:

This reminds me of a story which I think was told by Peter Sellers, that well known actor. A fan sent him a letter asking for a "singed" photograph. As a joke, Peter took out his cigarette lighter and lightly burned all around the edges of a photograph and sent it to the fan. Some weeks late he had a further letter from the fan which said, Dear Mr Sellers, could you please forward another photograph because the previous one you sent has been "signed" all around the edges.


That's a loverly story! (as Eliza Doolittle would say).

updated DIC 28, 2010
posted by samdie
1
vote

Simple blunder:

From an exchange between first ladies during visit by Harold Macmillan to Paris to mark General de Gaulle's retirement:

Dorothy Macmillan: What are you looking forward to now?

Madame de Gaulle: A penis

General de Gaulle: No dear, I think the English say it as 'happiness'.

updated DIC 28, 2010
posted by Seb79
1
vote

samdie said:

There are some real gems there! Now, can you find something similar in Spanish?

Gems? Look at the titles of some of the posts in this forum when someone asks "What does it mean this Spanish text'"

updated DIC 28, 2010
posted by lazarus1907
1
vote

Here is a rich source of examples of ordinary people murdering the English Language (found on the Internet). Enjoy! LOL


This collection of statements has been collected from REAL insurance claim forms submitted to insurance companies by members of the public. Following driving incidents and accidents, drivers are asked to give the details of what happened in the fewest possible words... Sometimes with hilarious consequences!

Car Accidents...

  • I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
  • As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
  • My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
  • The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
  • A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
  • I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
  • I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
  • I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
  • The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
  • I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.

Incidents with Pedestrians

  • The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
  • I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
  • To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
  • The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.
  • The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again.
  • I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
  • A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
  • I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact.

Collision and Calamity

Some drivers can have accidents even when there are no pedestrians or other vehicles in sight...
  • Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
  • I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
  • I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
  • In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
  • The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing.
  • I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
  • The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.
  • I pulled in to the side of the rode because there was smoke coming from under the hood. I realized there was a fire in the engine, so I took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.
  • The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.

Who is to Blame?

Drivers are often asked to explain on the insurance claim form who they think was to blame for the accident...
  • The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
  • On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke.
  • I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.
  • The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal.
  • I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
  • An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
updated DIC 28, 2010
edited by pesta
posted by pesta
Jasper Carrot, a UK comedian used a lot of the above in a comedy program many moons ago, thanks for the mammaries...
1
vote

These are hilarious from the man in the street.

Below are two quotations from notable people in power.

I have made good judgements in the past. I have made good judgements in the future.

We are ready for any unforeseen event which may or may not occur.

updated DIC 28, 2010
edited by Sabor
posted by Sabor
1
vote

this is all wonderful stuff,and quite enjoyable, For a few really good laughs over murdering the language ,pay a visit to AH ENGRISH on the net. I can safely guarantee a smile.

updated DIC 28, 2010
posted by pacofinkler
1
vote

King Charles 1 of England walked and talked half an hour after his head was cut off.

updated DIC 28, 2010
posted by Eddy
mmmm, impressive!
1
vote

There are some real gems there! Now, can you find something similar in Spanish'

updated DIC 28, 2010
posted by samdie
0
votes

lazarus1907 said:

samdie said:

There are some real gems there! Now, can you find something similar in Spanish?

Gems? Look at the titles of some of the posts in this forum when someone asks "What does it mean this Spanish text'"


In American English we call these "bloopers"; errors which result in (unintentionally) amusing statements. (I'm reminded of your man who "ha tenido un ano muy occupado", et al. I'll grant, however, that most errors are sad/annoying not funny. A book came out a few years ago entitled "Eats, Shoots & Leaves" (dealing with proper punctuation in English). It, too, had many funny illustrative sentences.

updated DIC 28, 2010
posted by samdie
Great book that one!
0
votes

lazarus1907 said:

samdie said:

There are some real gems there! Now, can you find something similar in Spanish?

Gems? Look at the titles of some of the posts in this forum when someone asks "What does it mean this Spanish text'"

Lazarus
Whilst I agree with what you have stated, the message is understood, albeit badly. Heidita's examples completely change the meaning when the correct punctuation is not used or the sentence is incorrectly worded.

updated OCT 19, 2008
posted by Eddy