A Female 'Hitman' Story

Question

This was a homework assignment. I loved this little story, but I had to use some translator do to my lack of Spanish language skills. If you would, please put it into 'real' Spanish, or just ranslate the English version to Spanish.

"Miel cuidadosa, se carga," él dijo, volviendo a entrar el ormitorio. Ella detrás se reclinó contra el cabecero.
"ÿste para su esposa'"
¡"No! Demasiado aventurado. Estoy empleando a profesional."
"Cómo sobre mí'"
ÿl hizo muecas. "Lindo. Pero quién sería bastante mudo emplear a un hombre del golpe de la señora'"
Ella mojó sus labios, avistando a lo largo del barril. "Su esposa."

---|-English
"Careful honey, it's loaded," he said, re-entering the bedroom. Her back rested against the headboard.
"This for your wife'"
"No! Too risky. I'm hiring a professional."
"How about me'"
He grinned. "Cute. But who would be dumb enough to hire a lady hit man'"
She wet her lips, sighting along the barrel. "Your wife."

---|-Credits
This is from New Times, paper publishedd in San Luis Obispo, California. It's called 'Fifty Five Fiction', and is for stories that must be no more than 55 words in total.
In 54 words Jeff Whitmore has crafted a story containing suspense, sex, betrayal, revenge and murder.

Answer 1

Hola guapa: vamos a decir que oficialmente no existe:

Answer 2

Heidi, perdon que insista, pero apenas me dí cuenta de que te referías a que esas pálabras no existen "en españa"
barril se le llama al compartimento de forma cilindrica que alberga las balas en una arma tipo revolver, entonces la "hitman", avista a la esposa a lo lejos, atraves del ( a lo largo del) barril.

Answer 3

Adios esposo, nada más a decir.

Answer 4

Then wouldn't that be sicaria or la sicario'

Answer 5

...wouldn't you like to know , eh''!!

Answer 6

If we are going to reduce the word count, here we go:

"¡Cuidado cariño, está cargada!", dijo el, re-entrando al cuarto. Ella estaba recargada de espalda a la cabecera.
"Es para tu esposa'"
"¡No!" es muy arriesgado. Contrataré a un profesional".
"Que tal yo'"
El Sonrió. "Pero quien seria tan tonto para contratar un golpeador de mujeres'"
Ella humedeció sus labios, viendo al cargador. "Tu esposa."

Answer 7

Always welcome, Zoltan.

Answer 8

Thank you all who I already thanked and Eddy, Dunia and Heidita who joined this discussion later. You are all great!

Answer 9

My suggestion:
Ten cuidado, cariño, dijo al entrar de nuevo al dormitorio.
Ella se apoyaba en el cabecero de la cama.
Es para tu esposa?
No, es muy arriesgado, voy a contratar a un profesional/asesino a sueldo.
Qué tal yo'(Y si lo hiciera yo? Y yo, qué tal')
él sonrió: ¡qué bonito! Pero quién sería tan idiota de contratar a una asesina a sueldo/a una mujer?
Se humedeció los labios, recorriendo con la vista el cargador: tu mujer

Answer 10

As far as I know, barril can never be used for a gun.

Answer 11

Vernic, I agree with dunia, in Spain these words do sound rather weird.

I had to look it up to make sure it was an accepted word, as i thought the same as dunia: this word does nto exist:

riesgoso, sa.
1. adj. Am. Aventurado, peligroso, que entraña contingencia o proximidad de un daño.RAE

As it appears, it does!

Avistar on the other hand is not correctly used:

avistar.
1. tr. Alcanzar con la vista algo.
This word is used when you can hardly see something and you only just get a glimpse of it.

for example:

Los marineos avistaron tierra a lo lejos.

Answer 12

I really like this short story as well.

Answer 13

Alfredo
Unfortunately your reply contains 58 words. How about this

"Ten cuidado cariño, está cargada", dijó el, re-entrando al cuarto. Ella estaba recargada de espalda a la cabecera.
"Es para tu esposa'"
"ïNo! es muy riesgoso. Voy a Contrato un profesional."
"Que tal yo'"
El Sonrió. "Pero quien seria tan tonto como para contratar un golpeador de mujeres'"
Ella humedeció sus labios, viendo hacia el cargador. "Tu esposa."

54 words

Answer 14

I have given you the translation that would give you an Spanish from SPAIN.

"Riesgoso, barril, avistar" in this context make no sense, I can assure you. "Riesgoso" doesn't even exist in SPAIN.

We use OK in the same sense than English.

I don't say that this parts of your translation are wrong. I say that this in Spain literature or writing sounds awful (within the context we are talking about) I give an alternative, that's all.

Answer 15

Para la definición de riesgoso:
[url=http://buscon.rae.es/draeI/SrvltConsulta'TIPO_BUS=3&LEMA=riesgoso]http://buscon.rae.es/draeI/SrvltConsulta'TIPO_BUS=3&LEMA=riesgoso[/url]
I don't think that "Ok" is a spanish word, although is an anglisismo which use is very extended.
Barril is in a revolver that cargador is in a gun tipe squad.
Avistar:
[url=http://buscon.rae.es/draeI/SrvltConsulta'TIPO_BUS=3&LEMA=avistar]http://buscon.rae.es/draeI/SrvltConsulta'TIPO_BUS=3&LEMA=avistar[/url]