Can anyone plesae check it for me ?

Question

For this essay, I have to include both physical traits and character traits. I decided to write about my friend Hannah.

 Hannah

My best friend Hannah is seventeen years old and lives in America. Sadly, Hannah lost her mother when she was the age of eleven. Nowadays, she lives with her father and two sisters. Hannah is a straight A high school student. Almost everyone from school knows her to be very intelligent, organized and hard-working. Her favorite subjects are Math and English. After high school, Hannah will go to college because she wants to become a doctor. She has wanted this since she was very young. Fortunately, she can speak two languages perfectly. Sometimes, she helps me with my Spanish homework or teach me some new words. I have to say she is very patient when helping someone. Hannah has two cats as a pets. Their names are Sam and Molly. Hannah is of average height and weight. She has straight long blond hair and light brown eyes. She loves musics as much as she loves to play sports, but soccer is the only sport that she plays the most all day long. She is capable of driving and drawing. I am very lucky to have a friend like her because I know there are so many good things that I can learn from her. I also feel sorry for her losing her mom.

Answer 1

My best friend Hannah is seventeen years old and lives in America. Sadly, Hannah lost her mother when she was eleven. (I took out "the age of")

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Nowadays, she lives with her father and two sisters. Hannah is a straight A high school student. Almost everyone from school knows (she is) very intelligent, organized and hard-working. (changed "her to be" part to "she is")

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Her favorite subjects are Math and English. After high school, Hannah will go to college because she wants to become a doctor. She has wanted this since she was very young.

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Hannah is fortunate to speak two languages perfectly. Sometimes, she helps me with my Spanish homework or teach me some new words. (I changed this sentence a bit. To me, the "Fortunately," sentence, following the fact that she wants to become a doctor makes it sound like it's a good thing she speaks two languages since she wants to become a doctor. I think you meant that she's a lucky girl to have such an ability.)

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She is very patient when helping someone. (I took out "I have to say". It's not necessary.)

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Hannah has two cats. Their names are Sam and Molly. (I took out the "as a pets" part because it's understood that they are pets.)

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Hannah is of average height and weight. She has straight, long blond hair and light brown eyes. She loves music as much as she loves to play sports. However, soccer is the only sport that she plays all of the time. (I added a comma between straight and long, and took the "s" off of music. I also broke one sentence into two, changing the "but" to "However" .)

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She is a good driver and a talented drawer (or artist?). I am very lucky to have a friend like her because I know there are so many good things that I can learn from her. (I changed the wording in the first sentence. She sounds more than capable. Capable is kind of a minimum ability, rather than being really good at something.)

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I also feel sorry for her losing her mom. (Do you mean something like this? "Even though Hannah has a great life, I do feel sorry for her losing her mom."

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I appreciate all the work you put into your homework. Your English is very good.

Fantastic job Rheit! The only thing I would change is the capital on "math". - andrewandrew599, Oct 2, 2012

Thank you so much for your help. I appreciate it. No way, My English is really bad. I've been living in America about 5 years now, but still my English is not fluent yet =( - Rabe, Oct 2, 2012

its ok. it will come with time - Rey_Mysterio, Oct 3, 2012

Andrew, you're right. I missed that:) Thanks! - rheit, Oct 4, 2012

Also missed "teach" should be "teaches". Just goes to show we all need editing! - rheit, Oct 4, 2012

Answer 2

Hello. "When she was the age of eleven" would sound more natural as 'when she was eleven'. "Cats as a pets" is incorrect. You could say 'cats as pets,' but I suggest 'has two pet cats'. "Musics" shouldn't have an 'S'. "The only sport that she plays the most all day long" is a bit jumbled. Specifically, the "only...the most" doesn't make sense. Is it the only sport she plays, or is it the one she plays the most? Then, if you meant that she plays it a lot when you said that she "plays the most all day long," you could add, in a separate sentence, "She plays it all the time."

Otherwise, the paragraph in general is quite well-written.

I hope this helps. Let me know if you need further clarification.

Answer 3

"Nowadays" is a colloquial expression that is a contraction of three words and should not be used in formal writing. The OED contains an extensive number of such idiomatic and colloquial expressions but that does not mean that they should be used in a formal document such an academic essay.

I always hear this argument about expressions and new words. However, language is constantly changing. My friend had what I think is a decent example:

"I wear pants. My parents wear trousers. My grandparents wear slacks. If my great-grandparents were still alive they would wear pantaloons."

It's really a question of who your audience is.

Answer 4

"Nowadays" is a colloquial expression that is a contraction of three words and should not be used in formal writing. The OED contains an extensive number of such idiomatic and colloquial expressions but that does not mean that they should be used in a formal document such an academic essay.

Answer 5

Nowadays is not really used in proper grammar. Perhaps use the word presently she is living ....sounds more grammatically correct

I admit it's a sort of old fashioned word, but it is perfectly correct. It is in the OED, which contains examples of recorded uses of it from 1387 to 1992. - MacFadden, Oct 2, 2012

'Presently' would definitely be more formal than 'nowadays,' which is a bit goofy. - MacFadden, Oct 2, 2012

Answer 6

Sadly, Hannah lost her mother when she was eleven years old.

she loves music and she loves to play sports, but soccer is the only sport that she plays seriously.

what about like this?

is it correct?

Nowadays, she lives with her father and two sisters.

I am not sure this sentence is correct?

Do I need to have a comma after Nowadays?

or is it should be? Nowadays, she is living with her father and two sisters.

or? Nowadays she lives with her father and two sisters. or Nowadays, she lives with her father and two sisters.

What about other sentences? Are they correct?

I like your reworking of the sentence about music and sports. It is much better. It is correct to use a comma after 'nowadays.' - MacFadden, Oct 2, 2012

As for 'lives with' or 'is living with', both could be correct but the first is better in this case. - MacFadden, Oct 2, 2012

Answer 7

I posted this on the original thread, but I'm not sure if you saw it.

English does need to be capitalized but math does not.

...with my Spanish homework or teaches me...