very short poem in spanish, edit please?

Question

hey, just trying to write a short 4 line ABAB rhyming scheme poem in spanish. I write poetry in english, but worry about things making sense in my spanish one, since i'm prone to trying to say something that's practically un-say-able =/ does this work, as in make sense? slash what doesn't work, what do i need to change?

Soy una sombra, alta y roja, Vengo furtivamente año tras año, Bebiendo los colores de todas las hojas, Yo soy la esencia de otoño.

Essentially in English, so you know what I'm TRYING to say, would be: I am a shadow, tall and red, I come, in stealth, year after year, Drinking the colour from every leaf, I am the essence of Autumn.

Thanks!!!! ^-^

Wow - what a beauty! I really like it...saludos... :-) - musicat, Jan 30, 2012

Very enjoyable. If you receive suggestions or corrections from outside sources, please post updates here for the rest of us to learn from. Thanks. - pesta, Jan 31, 2012

Answer 1

Hmmm, 283 views and no comment/correction?

The Artistic License (I never leave home without it!) that I carry in my wallet says: Good to Go!

You've got a beauty there my friend, very inspirational! I love the fall time of the year, here in Canada the colors are splendid. I wish you all the best!!

thank you for your effort, I did manage to get ahold of a friend who speaks better spanish than I, and it seems ok, so we shall see =) thank you as well, i'm glad you like it, Fall is my favourite time of year =D - dragonxrider, Jan 30, 2012

:-) - musicat, Jan 30, 2012

Answer 2

Took it up to the Teacher's Assistant that runs my seminar, who is from Spain, and he read it over (with the correction of "de" to "del" in the last line), and with a grin said "Es perfecto."!! =D

¡Muy bien! Thanks for the updates - the community cares about you! :-) - musicat, Jan 31, 2012

Answer 3

I will definitely post any updates, i did think of one in the shower this morning, hehe.. "la esencia de otoño" should be "la esencia DEL otoño".. I will update if needed after class today. Cheers ^-^