Proof reading of Poem translation needed
I am currently trying to translate a poem by Juan Pastor.
Here is the poem:
NO TE DARÁS CUENTA. Y cuando tú menos te lo pienses, resulta que para entonces, ya lo habrás perdido casi todo. Aquellas sensaciones que marcan su tiempo de estación. La capacidad de respuesta y la de todo su ciclo. Campo cerrado para la ilusión. Para superar y poder llegar, hasta su ya vieja y cansada reivindicación de la luz.
Pero también vive la estación del otoño. Es su tiempo y amanece. Hace frío y la luz se deja ver por en medio de sus reflejos. Aunque todo franqueado por dos paréntesis hacia dentro. Y como una consecuencia de su pesada lentitud.
Tú eres la caricia que necesita sentir en la sombra tu mejilla. Los dedos que cansados de tu pesadez cabalgan sobre la horizontal. Alegría prolongada que se manifiesta en cada hoja y cuando llega, palidece y nos recorre. Sentimientos de nostalgia, que están ahí. Para esperar y dejarles hasta morir.
Roto en pedazos y con remolinos de humo. Con agitado viento y nubes de ceniza.
Here is my translation attempt:
You will not realise. And when you least think about it, it is then, you've already lost almost everything. Those feelings that indicate it’s the time of season. Responsiveness of its entire cycle. Field closed for illusion. In order to overcome and arrive at its already tired and old demand/claim to light.
But the autumn season also lives. It is it’s time and it rises. It's cold and the light can be seen in the midst of his reflections. Although all flanked by two inward brackets. And as a result of its profound coldness.
You are the touch that it needs to feel your cheek in the shade The fingers that are tired of your heaviness, they ride over the horizon. Prolonged joy that manifests itself in each leaf and when it comes, it fades, and travels through us. Feelings of nostalgia that are there. In order to wait and leave them to die.
Broken into pieces and with swirls of smoke. With restless winds and clouds of ash.
I don't feel that my translation is very accurate. What do you guys think?
2 Answers
This piece provides quite a challenge to translate. I thought you did an excellent job. There are no mistakes, per se. I only tried to suggest ways in which the language might flow more naturally, with the inherent cadence of the English language. These are only suggestions, for what you did was very good. Felicidades!
You won't realize it. And when you least think of it, it happens that then you have already lost almost everything. Those feelings that mark the time of the season. The capacity to respond and give to everything its season. The field closed because of the illusion. To overcome, and be able to arrive at its already old and tired reinvention of the light.
But the season of autumn still lives. It is its time, and it dawns. It's cold, and the light can be seen in the midst of its reflections. Even though all is flanked by two inward facing parenthesis. And because of its weighty coldness.
You are the caress that it needs to feel your cheek in its shadow. The fingers that are tired of your heaviness, they ride upon the horizon. Prolonged joy that shows itself in every leaf, and when it comes, it fades, and runs through us. Feelings of nostalgia are there. In order to wait, and leave them to die.
Broken into pieces and with swirls of smoke. With restless winds and clouds of ash.
Translating this kind of stuff is extremely dificult, as the original is abstract almost to the point of hardly making sense.
It is late at night for me, and I am rather tired, so I'm not looking at this very much in depth, but it looks to me like the main flaw I see with your translation is that it is much too literal. Since you essentially seem to have the words right, I figure your challenge is to change the language enough to make it smoother and less mechanical in English.
