redaction with coherence

Question

Please could you tell me, if the redaction of this paragraph is it OK?

Cuzco and Lima have another difference in their respective weather. Whereas Cuzco has temperatures ranging from 3°C to 26°C under the sun and has two seasons, rainy season and dry season. The dry season has occasional frost. While Lima has temperature ranging from 12°C to 30°C and four seasons, summer, autumn, winter and spring. The seasons are due to the Cordillera de los Andes that cross our country. Cuzco is located in the South East of the highland while Lima lies in the mid West on the Pacific coast of our country.

Thanks

Answer 1

Cuzco and Lima have another difference in their respective weather. Cuzco has daytime temperatures ranging from 3°C to 26°C and has two seasons: a rainy season and a dry season, which has occasional frost, while Lima has temperatures ranging from 12°C to 30°C and four seasons: summer, autumn, winter and spring. The seasons are due to the Andes, a mountain range that crosses our country. Cuzco is located in the southeast of the highlands, while Lima is in the west on the Pacific coast of our country.

Answer 2

You would not use "whereas" AND "while" to compare the two things in the same sentence. Use one or the other for the first item, and nothing for the second. (But you can use the other one for comparison again later in the same paragraph.) Also, do not add more details in between the comparisons. Talk about those later. And you talked about two differences (temps and number of seasons) so....

Cuzco and Lima have more differences in their respective weather. Whereas Cuzco has temperatures ranging from 3°C to 26°C and has two seasons, Lima's temperatures range from 12°C to 30°C and it receives all four seasons. Cuzco's seasons are limited to rainy or dry, (although the dry season has occasional frost), while Lima experiences summer, autumn, winter and spring.

Try not to use the same phrase more than once in a paragraph. (Readers like variety, though occasionally it is allowed to make a point in dramatic/emotional writing.) Below I took out the second "our country."

The seasons are due to the Cordillera de los Andes that cross our country. Cuzco is located in the South East of the highland while Lima lies in the mid West on the Pacific coast.

Hope this helps...feel free to ask for clarification.

Answer 3

Cuzco and Lima have another difference in their respective weather. Cuzco has temperatures ranging from 3°C to 26°C under the sun and has two seasons, rainy season and dry season. The dry season has occasional frost. Lima, on the other hand, has temperatures ranging from 12°C to 30°C and four seasons, summer, autumn, winter and spring. The seasons are due to the Cordillera de los Andes that cross our country. Cuzco is located in the southeast of the highland while Lima lies in the mid-west on the Pacific coast of our country.

Thanks