Proof reading needed for English Translation

Question

Hi, I've translated a short story into English but I don't feel that it reads well. I'd like someone to proof read it and suggest any alterations to my translation.

Here is the Spanish original:

El día que lo iban a matar, Santiago Nasar se levantó a las 5.30 de la mañana para esperar el buque en que llegaba el obispo. Había soñado que atravesaba un bosque de higuerones donde caía una llovizna tierna, y por un instante fue feliz en el sueño, pero al despertar se sintió por completo salpicado de cagada de pájaros. «Siempre soñaba con árboles», me dijo Plácida Linero, su madre, evocando 27 años después los pormenores de aquel lunes ingrato. «La semana anterior había soñado que iba solo en un avión de papel de estaño que volaba sin tropezar por entre los almendros», me dijo. Tenía una reputación muy bien ganada de intérprete certera de los sueños ajenos, siempre que se los contaran en ayunas, pero no había advertido ningún augurio aciago en esos dos sueños de su hijo, ni en los otros sueños con árboles que él le había contado en las mañanas que precedieron a su muerte…

Here is my english translation:

The day they were going to kill him, Santiago Nasar got up at 5.30 in the morning to wait for the ship in which the bishop arrived. He had dreamed he was going through a forest of fig trees where a gentle drizzle was falling, and for a moment he was happy in the dream, but when he woke up, he felt completely spattered with bird sh*t. "He always dreamed of trees," said his mother Placida Linero, recalling the details of that distressing Monday 27 years late. "The previous week he had dreamed that he was alone in a tinfoil airplane flying without stumbling through the almond trees," she said. She had a well-earned reputation for accurate interpretation of other people's dreams, provided that the count in fasting, but had not noticed any ominous augury in those two dreams of her son, nor in the other dreams of trees he had told her the morning before his death ...

Thanks in advance.

Answer 1

Nice!

The day they were going to kill him, Santiago Nasar got up at 5.30 in the morning to wait for the ship in which the bishop was going to arrive. He had dreamed he was traveling ("going" is correct, but lacks animation) through a forest of fig trees in which (a little better than "where") a gentle drizzle was falling, and for a moment he was happy in the dream, but when he woke up, he felt completely splattered with bird sh*t. "He always dreamed of trees," said his mother Placida Linero, recalling the details of that distressing Monday 27 years later. "The previous week he had dreamed that he was alone in a tinfoil airplane flying through the almond trees without stumbling", ("through the almond trees" should follow "flying") she said. She had a well-earned reputation for accurate interpretation of other people's dreams, provided that the dreamer had been fasting, but had not noticed any ominous augury in those two dreams of her son, nor in the other dreams of trees he had told her about on the morning before his death ...

The part about fasting was unclear; this is what I think the Spanish is trying to say. It might be better translated as "provided they (the dreams) were accounted for in the fasting"... But this is a little unclear, lacking more context.

Thanks! Yes the part about fasting was very unclear to me - 0088b3fa, Nov 14, 2011