Glorious Insults

Question

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter insults.

A member of Parliament to Disraeli:

"Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." • "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

• "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

• "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

• "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

• "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

• "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

• "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

• "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde

• "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill. • "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response..

• "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

• "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

• "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

• "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

• "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

• "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

• "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

• "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

• "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

• "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

• "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

• "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

• "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

Thanks for sharing :) - SpanishPal, Aug 30, 2011

Absolutely wonderful Eddy ! - pacofinkler, Aug 30, 2011

I enjoyed it very much. Thanks a lot, Eddy . . . . . . :) - Ingeteacher, Aug 30, 2011

gotta love this! - patch, Aug 30, 2011

These are great!!! - 001a2987, Aug 31, 2011

Answer 1

One of my favourites: "I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed man."

First time I've heard that one! L O V E it!! - territurtle, Aug 30, 2011

Brilliant! - annierats, Aug 30, 2011

Hilarious! - --Jen--, Aug 30, 2011

Very good - Eddy, Aug 30, 2011

love it ! - pacofinkler, Aug 30, 2011

Answer 2

Here's one of my favourites,

It is far better for you to appear stupid by saying nothing than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

My daughter has told me never to try speaking French. Stay quiet , and just TRY to look intelligent, she said. - annierats, Aug 30, 2011

Mark Twain -- from Pudd'nhead Wilson's calendar, I believe. - territurtle, Aug 30, 2011

Here's another of my favorites from Twain: "He is useless on top of the ground; he ought to be under it, inspiring the cabbages." - territurtle, Aug 30, 2011

Jeje.Good one Eddy. - Jraider, Aug 30, 2011

Abe Lincoln is also famous for saying this, Terri. - Fredbong, Aug 31, 2011

Hey, thanks for the intelligence, Fred!! - territurtle, Sep 1, 2011

Answer 3

'Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?' - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

I only dislike two things about you: everything you say and everything you do. (No idea who said this but we say it all the time in our house jeje)

I like this also. - Eddy, Aug 30, 2011

Well, really, that leaves a lot to be liked. - annierats, Aug 30, 2011

Answer 4

Lady to Winston Churchill - "Sir, you are drunk!"

To which Churchill replied - "Madam, you are ugly - in the morning I shall be sober!"

Ouch! - MattM, Aug 30, 2011

That was also the same Lady Astor in pesta's quote. You would have thought that the woman would have learnt her lesson after the first putdown, hehe. - Eddy, Aug 30, 2011

I said "hello good afternoon" to the Duke of York as he left a friends house - he answered " you should address me as Sir !" - "some hope tosser" is what I wanted to say back but didn't. - - ian-hill, Aug 30, 2011

Some people never learn - especially the "upper class" - ian-hill, Aug 30, 2011

Ian, now I have learned that you are *much *more** than just adorable with admirable acumen!! - territurtle, Sep 1, 2011

Well, territurtle - I didn't say it "because I know my place" :) :) - ian-hill, Sep 1, 2011

Answer 5

Lady Nancy Astor: Winston, if you were my husband, I'd poison your tea.

Churchill: Nancy, if I were your husband, I'd drink it.

Answer 6

"The honourable member has only one friend , and he hates him !"

Answer 7

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill. • "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response

Epic response!

Nice one SpanishPal but it's already in my list above. - Eddy, Aug 30, 2011

I know, I'm only commenting on it :) - SpanishPal, Aug 30, 2011

Answer 8

"Sir, I'm am in the smallest room of my house. Your letter is before me. Soon it will be behind me." A letter from Max Reeger (1873-1916) to a critic.

clearly before the time e-mail was introduced. - annierats, Aug 30, 2011

Still one to make me laugh my _ _ _ off!! - territurtle, Sep 1, 2011

Answer 9

In Casablanca, they had a great line: Not too sure of how it goes.

Bar-keep: "You think little of me don't you?"

Rick: "If I thought about you I probably would."

Answer 10

Nice. I enjoyed those. But FYI, "glorious insults" still take place on a weekly bases on a program called "Questions to the Prime Minister."

PMQ

Ok, maybe they're not too "glorious," but definitely a notch above "four letter words." Enjoy!

Thanks Pauly. Entertaining and interesting. - siempre, Aug 30, 2011

Interesting fact about the first part of this clip. The female speaker was Betty Boothroyd who used to be a "Tiller Girl" which were a dance group and they appeared regularly at the London Palladium. - Eddy, Aug 30, 2011

Now, Eddy, that is ***really*** interesting!! - territurtle, Sep 1, 2011

Answer 11

One that has gotten me in trouble from time to time.

Wow honey...that dress makes you look slimmer.

playing with fire there Matt - patch, Aug 30, 2011

Matt, I'm surprised you're still alive to communicate this information. - annierats, Aug 30, 2011

Sin duda...necesito nuevo material. - MattM, Aug 30, 2011

Answer 12

Not an insult more an epigram"

I've never had a problem with drugs. I've had problems with the police.

~Keith Richards

Keef for president! - patch, Aug 30, 2011

This is not an insult, it's possibly a recommendation. - annierats, Aug 30, 2011

Answer 13

My personal favorite:

• "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

Don't worry Eddy, I will resist the temptation to quote the title of any songs this time. jeje

That is like saying Lorena Bobbit had a handle on things. :) - MattM, Aug 30, 2011

Answer 14

I refuse to dignify your profanities with an insult!

Answer 15

I've heard this one from my husband when we were dating: "Please observe the mistletoe hanging from my coattails".