Roots and wings
Speaking strictly as a mother, let me share with you how hard it is to let go.
We have two sons; our older son is doing very well working in management in a large Midwestern city several hours away; our younger son has a significant disability and, as a result, will always be a little boy.
My philosophy has usually been that of providing the least amount of hovering necessary. I believe strongly that our children need to learn how to make phone calls when they are 4, run into the grocery store for a loaf of bread when they are 6, walk the 7 blocks to their friend's house when they are 8, and advocate for themselves in almost every situation by the time they are 12.
In other words, I want our one son of normal development to be a productive adult who fends for himself appropriately and contributes to society.
Now that he is in his mid 20's and is seriously considering marriage to a wonderful young woman who seems to be perfect for him, I am having a relapse.
Has this happened to anyone else?
I constantly remember him when he was a toddler, a first grader, a fourth grader, his first soccer goal, the award he won in the sixth grade track meet, his first date, his high school graduation, his college years, his college graduation... you get my point.
He does not cling to either his father or to me. He is what we brought him up to be: an independent adult. But - oh the joy! - when he calls and wants to share news from his life, be it a funny story or a problem that he is wrestling with.
I know that our children need roots, but they also need wings.
Does anyone else find this "wing" part of the deal occasionally hard? We would never clip our children's wings, just as we would not want our parents to clip ours, but loving a child means always having a bit of your heart walking round in that child's body, doesn't it?
Maybe time is flying by a little too fast? Can we just "freeze frame" for awhile and enjoy this period of getting to know a potential daughter-in-law without the next 18 months flying by?
I'm certain that Shakespeare must have some eloquent line that sums it all up, but I would not have a clue where to find it!
4 Answers
I know exactly how you feel . My youngest son has just moved to Russia and
my mind was in a panic imagining all kinds of problems that he may encounter ,
and he is 45 years old. We cannot, and must not try to live their lives for them ,
the Persian poet "Kahlil Gibran" has a poem in which he likens the parent as the
bow and the child is the arrow , we may have formed the arrow but once we fire it
off we have no control over it , and that is how it should be. You have given your
son a wonderful background in order that he can cope with life , it is now up to
him to prove his own worth . You are a brave and caring mother , you can now
stand back and allow him to shine . May they both be well and happy and free from suffering .
Check out the book " The Prophet " by 'Kahlil Gibran".
Your children are not your children ,
They are the sons and daughters
of life's longing for itself.
they come through you but not from you ,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
Yes, they grow up too fast. We have to let them go. But they are always in our hearts. You have given your son the tools he needs. I think it is harder on us as parents when the time comes to release them. But we must. In some cases. we may not agree with their choices, but they are adults now and we have to let them decide for themselves. Let him know that you support him and love him. I think that is our job as parents. Congratulations, Mountaingirl!
Mountaingirl,
I always thought if either of my children went travelling the world I would be completely "cool" about it - being a person that travels a fair bit myself.
However.....when the time arrived and my son announced his intentions to do a year or two of solo travelling - was I "cool"? Not a bit - I was completely "freaked out".
I imagined all nasty "What ifs?", and then some more. The only thing that helped me calm down a tad was the fact that a newly acquired girlfriend decided to travel with him. They are now in Europe having the times of their young lives.
Yeah all that "give them wings and let them fly" stuff - sounds good in theory but hard to put into practice ...
Too bad, but you gotta let him live his own life.
