New old story 5

Question

Por favor, mis amigos, please tell me how to make this part at least intelligible en español! Between imperatives and subjunctives, I am sure this sounds completely tonto

Afuera de la tienda, el del amigo de sastre y sus tres colegos colegas vieron el hombre entra entrar la tienda. Por la pequeña ventana de la tienda, vieron (o creyeron que vieron ver) que el sastre golpeó golpeaba el hombre con ambos ambas manos y le golpeó golpeaba al piso. Cuando corrían en la tienda, Don Felicidados venía adelante y mandaba el amigo de sastre " ¡Tú! Ve, trae el perezoso jefe de policia y dile que ha sucedido aquí! ¡Corre!"

Y mandaba el siguiente " ¡Y Tú! ¡Vaya al establo, diga di a mi cochero qué ha sucedido aquí y pide que él venga aquí, corre!"

Y mandaba el tercero "¡Tú, corre a la casa de Don Felipe, dile di que ha sucedido aquí y pregúntale si yo y el juez puede puediéremos cenar con él esta tarde!"

Y mandaba el cuartero "¡Tú, corre al la casa del juez, Don Sebastien, y pregúntale si puede puediere cenar con mi a la casa de Don Felipe esta tarde¡"

To be sure, the old gentleman has something in mind, don't you think? Now I wonder if I have any grasp at all of the imperfect tense ... sigh.

If you say "y mandaba EL tercero" instead of "al tercero", the implication is that it's the third guy who is giving the order, as opposed to being ordered by Don Feli. - Oramasdude, May 19, 2011

'Cuartiero' 'puediéremos' and 'puediere' are not words I've ever heard. - Oramasdude, May 19, 2011

Answer 1

Afuera de la tienda, el amigo del sastre y sus tres colegas vieron al hombre entrar a la tienda. Por la pequeña ventana [de la tienda], vieron (o creyeron ver) como el sastre golpeaba al hombre con ambas manos y como lo tiraba al piso. Mientras corrían por la tienda, Don Felicidados venía adelante y le ordenaba al amigo del sastre " ¡Tú! Ve, trae al perezoso jefe de policia y dile lo que ha sucedido aquí! ¡Corre!"

Y le ordenó al siguiente " ¡Y Tú! ¡Ve al establo, dile a mi cochero lo que ha sucedido aquí y pídele que venga; corre!"

Y le ordenó al tercero "¡Tú, corre a la casa de Don Felipe, dile lo que ha sucedido aquí y pregúntale si yo y el juez podemos cenar con él esta tarde!"

Y le ordenó al cuarto "¡Tú, corre a la casa del juez Don Sebastian y pregúntale si puede cenar conmigo en casa de Don Felipe esta tarde!"

Aarrgghh! Maybe I should do it over again? Muchas gracias TomBurgos - Lector_Constante, May 18, 2011

Answer 2

Is "sastre" the name of a character, or is that his profession (tailor)? I can't tell because you keep using "de sastre", but if it was a tailor, you should use "del sastre", and if it was his name, you should use "de Sastre".

This is some of what you wrote in English, just so you know how odd it's coming across:

Afuera de la tienda, el del amigo de sastre y sus tres colegos colegas vieron el hombre entra entrar la tienda. Por la pequeña ventana de la tienda, vieron (o creyeron que vieron ver) que el sastre golpeó golpeaba el hombre con ambos ambas manos y le golpeó golpeaba al piso.

Outside the store, the from sastre's friend and his three colleagues saw the man enters/enter(?) enter the store. By/through the store's small window, they saw (or thought they saw to see) that the sastre hit hit the man with both both hands and hit him hitting the floor. (????)<

Cuando corrían en la tienda, Don Felicidados venía adelante y mandaba el amigo de sastre " ¡Tú! Ve, trae el perezoso jefe de policia y dile que ha sucedido aquí! ¡Corre!"'

When they ran in the store, Don Felicidados came in front/was in front and sent the friend of sastre " You! Go, bring the lazy chief of police and tell him what's happened here.<

The corrected version someone posted already is solid. Why didn't you correct the punctuation errors that were pointed out?

Have you read what I posted to TomBurgos? el sastre is a tailor. I have been studying Spanish less than a year, so I make a lot of mistakes. - Lector_Constante, May 19, 2011

I understand, and I am in no way trying to slam or belittle you or your efforts. But I noticed that many of the things that were pointed out to you -not elements of style, just simple punctutation- you didn't bother to fix. - Oramasdude, May 19, 2011

Also, you don't say "lo golpeo al piso" but "lo tiro al piso" or "lo tiro contra el piso" or even "lo golpeo en el piso". - Oramasdude, May 19, 2011

Answer 3

-Tom, To write in any language, one needs to be part of that nation, I guess. Umm, "mientras" does not feel correct; I take "mientras" to be "while", and the interval where these young sprouts are coming in is too short for "while". I think it should be "cuando" or something like "at the instant that they ran in" ... Yes, no??

I see that you have used "ordenaba" and then "ordenó" where Don F. is giving the orders; I wanted to use the same verb form in all instances - this is a literary "trick" which makes the action seem both rapid-fire and premeditated ... I selected mandar because it seems to suggest a more abritrary action (whereas ordenar seems to suggest that it is well within his authority to give these directions ... maybe long ago in Spain a Don could order youngsters around as he saw fit??)

The tense ... well, I want the reader to "be there" and see him giving these instructions.

It would be kind of nice if we had a few more opinions. Thank you many times for your help.