Please Read... And Comment
I wonder what today's date is. I slowly rise from my bed, shifting sheets, and gaze at where I am. I pick up a little speed in my head, and began to be able to recongize... This was home. I was in my room.
Weird. I don't remember last night... I shifted my body. I pushed myself off my mattress and glanced into the mirror. I saw my reflection, a little ratty compared to usual, but me, and I sighed. My head was pounding... I walked out to the living room, saw it was empty, and remembered.
No one else lived here anymore. Last night, Alexander passed. I can't get myself to say death... Death meant death. Passed could mean many things. Alexander passed a quiz. Alexander passed me in the hallway... Or what it did really mean, Alexander wasn't living anymore.
I collected myself and tried to defeat the growing bulge in my throat. I sat down, and stared at the TV for hours... though it wasn't on. I recall now, through the blurriness of my mind, crying. Crying for hours was my only activity last night. I suppose that's what you do when the one you love dies.
I walked to the mirror again, and started to stare into my eyes. They were glassy and foggy, like windows after an April rain. I put my palm onto the mirror's glass, and whispered, "Alexander, are you with me?" No response. There was only the silence to comfort me, but it failed. I was shaking.
I fiddled with the phone, and started plucking at numbers. I called Alexander's phone, and then, I heard, brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrinnnnnnnnnnnng! I looked to see the phone ringing three feet from me, on a bedside table. Alexander left it there. I listened into the phone I was calling with, searching for a response, but all I had was the emptiness that death brought to me on Christmas day.
4 Answers
I am intrigued by your story so far! Do you want grammar corrections, editorial comments or more idiomatic English phrases? I am an armchair editor and happy to provide assistance ... as long as I get to hear the rest of the story!
To Lisabeth- Wow! Thanks! I'm glad you liked the story. I'll love anything you want to offer. I have writen a book and I am halfway done another, but I love them too much to give them away on the internet for free on blogs and chatrooms. As an editor, do you know a good way to start trying to publish books? Thank you!
wow.. that is really good...
For starters, I would stick to one tense for the narration. If you choose the present tense to imply a free flow of thought, your text could read something like this:
I wonder what today's date is. I slowly rise from my bed, shifting the sheets and gazing around me. My brain begins to function as I start to recognize: this is home. I am in my room.
Weird. I don't remember last night. I turn my body. I push myself off the mattress and glance into the mirror. I see my reflection, a little bedraggled compared to the usual, but still me, and I sigh. My head pounds. I walk to the living room, see it is empty, and remember.
No one else lives here anymore. Last night, Alexander passed. I can't get myself to say, "he died." Death means death. "Passed" could mean many things: Alexander passed a quiz, Alexander passed me in the hallway. Or what it really meant: Alexander was no longer alive.
Or you could use the past tense:
I wondered what today's date was. I slowly rose from my bed, etc., etc.
I hope this helps. It's all I have time for tonight. Happy writing!
