Grammar on Poem Translation

Question

Hello to all the wonderful people out there. I wrote a poem in English and then translated into Spanish. Would someone be so kind to comment and make correction? I numbered each line so to make it easier to follow the corresponding line of translation between English and Spanish. Thank you so much in advance.

I Want To Tell You

1. To you

2. There is much I want to speak

3. But I do not have the words

4. To you

5. There is so much I want to tell

6. But I do not know the words

7. Your beauty so hypnotic

8. Your voice so beautiful

9. Your soul so magnificent

10. It makes me want to tell you more

11. But the words which I do not know how to express

12. Spanish, a language of beauty

13. It is that I need to learn

14. So I can tell you all what is in my mind and heart

15. To tell you how beautiful and wonderful you are

16. Will you give me time to learn the words?

Quiero Decirte

1. A ti

2. Hay tanto que quiero hablar

3. Pero no tengo las palabras

4. A ti

5. Hay tanto que quiero decirte

6. Pero yo no sé las palabras

7. Tu belleza tan hipnótica

8. Tu voz tan hermosa

9. Tu alma tan magnífica

10. Me hace quiero decirte más

11. Pero las palabras que yo no sé cómo expresar

12. Español, un idioma de la belleza

13. Lo que tengo que aprender

14. Así que puedo decirte todo lo que está en mi mente y corazón

15. Para decirte lo hermoso y maravilloso que eres

16. ¿Me das tiempo para aprender las palabras?***

Try to avoid using personal pronouns as in number 6 say instead, 'no sé las palabras' - FELIZ77, Jun 30, 2010

also applies to number 11 - FELIZ77, Jun 30, 2010

number 11 I think this part should be: 'cómo a expresar' - FELIZ77, Jun 30, 2010

Otherwise the translations appear to be sound/accurate - FELIZ77, Jun 30, 2010

Answer 1

I think you can't say Me hace quiero

10.Me hace querer decirte

for 16, me das is pressent tense, if you wanna say will you give me, you'll say ¿me darás?