HomeQ&AWriting a poem for my "husband"

Writing a poem for my "husband"

0
votes

So far things are no better: I have started another poem for him....or just about him. It helps my venting. Thanks for all support!

Mis primeros recuerdos

de tu eran cariñosos

eras mi mejor amigo

luego se convirtió

en mi amante; sus brazos

eran mis dulces abrazos.

Ahora tu respiración es tóxico

espontáneos lagrimos

fluye de los ojos.

Crees que escupir m****(adj. ending in o/os)**

*Here I am trying to say "you think you spit awesome S@@t *

It is a work in progress and the Spanish is childlike, I know. But I never claimed to be a poet smile smile

1282 views
updated JUN 29, 2010
edited by Gekkosan
posted by sunshinzmommie
Hm. I just edited de M-word to avoid undue controversy. I share your feelings, but this is still a g-rated family Forum, right? - Gekkosan, JUN 29, 2010

1 Answer

3
votes

Mis primeros recuerdos

de ti eran cariñosos

eras mi mejor amigo

luego te convertiste (we need to have consistency here - either the poem is about him, or it is addressed to him. I'm changing it so that it is addressed to him.

en mi amante; tus brazos

eran mis dulces abrazos.

Ahora tu respiración es tóxica

espontáneos lagrimas

fluyen de mis ojos.

Crees que tus inmundos escupitajos (just one option, less prone to censorship, and it rhymes)...


I'm not offereing any major improvements. I'm just correcting your mistakes so that we can work with it from here. grin

updated JUN 29, 2010
posted by Gekkosan
lágrimas, ¿no? :) - 003487d6, JUN 29, 2010
Right. Missed that one. - Gekkosan, JUN 29, 2010
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