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Proofreading help

1
vote

I'm trying to describe a product & I'd someone to proofread it for me, please!

Edit: Ok, I've changed the wording around and adding subjunctive after "cuando".

¿Quisiera Ud. una tarjeta "Edge"? La tarjeta "Edge" incluye una suscripción a la revista GameInformer por un año. Con la tarjeta, se recibe un descuento del 10% cuando compre juegos usados o accesorios usados aquí en Gamestop o en nuestro sitio web. También se recibe el 10% más cuando nos intercambie sus juegos. La tarjeta "Edge" cuesta $14.99 por un año.

Or this one with no impersonal "se":

¿Quisiera Ud. una tarjeta "Edge"? La tarjeta "Edge" incluye una suscripción a la revista GameInformer por un año. Con la tarjeta, recibe un descuento del 10% cuando compre juegos usados o accesorios usados aquí en Gamestop o en nuestro sitio web. También se recibe el 10% más cuando nos intercambie sus juegos. La tarjeta "Edge" cuesta $14.99 por un año.

1522 views
updated JUN 26, 2010
edited by Luciente
posted by Luciente

2 Answers

1
vote

I would just address the whole thing to Ud. or , and get rid of se altogether. It strikes me as getting a bit awkward toward the end, but that's just my personal preference. Then, the compra after cuando should be subjunctive: compre, because it means "when you buy games, whenever that is." It's not referring to any particular instance of you buying a game.

updated JUN 26, 2010
posted by MacFadden
So then "intercambie" should be subjunctive too? O - Luciente, JUN 25, 2010
Yes, but it already is. Intercambiar becomes intercambie. You're already right. :) - MacFadden, JUN 25, 2010
Haha, it wasn't to begin with. :P I changed it to that. It used to be "se intercambian" but you didn't mention that one. :) - Luciente, JUN 25, 2010
Oh. Guess I missed it on the first read-through. Good thing you fixed it of your own accord, then. - MacFadden, JUN 25, 2010
As long as you're writing it with Ud., you can get rid of the 'se' in the second-to-last sentence. - MacFadden, JUN 25, 2010
Oops, I missed that one. Gracias!! - Luciente, JUN 26, 2010
1
vote

The Spanish seems understandable, but I'd have more questions concerning the card before I'd buy one. (are you assuming that anyone interested in it is already familiar with it ?)

I've never heard of it before, but it seems to be just a discount card for buying games and gaming accessories. You mention the discounts on games/accessories, but not who gives the discounts. Do these discounts come from the accessory or game manufacturers? From the retailer? From the Edge card company? Do you have to buy the merchandise from any specific retailers? Can you buy the games/accessories online? Exactly what games and accessories are covered under the card? What do you have to do to claim your 10% credit?

Did some looking online. Saw ads for Gamestop.com Edge card? Are they the issuers of the card or just one of many retailers who sell it?

My point is that you are probably only going to sell these cards to people that are already familiar with the cards, because your ad leaves too many unanswered questions.

updated JUN 25, 2010
edited by 0074b507
posted by 0074b507
What do you think about the suggestions I received above in terms of changing the "se" verbs to just Ud forms and using the subjunctive in those two spots. The card is just for that store, Gamestop, and they sell it in the store only (I think)? - Luciente, JUN 25, 2010
Maybe I should add that its only for Gamestop? And yeah it's online and in their store. i should add that too. - Luciente, JUN 25, 2010
Ok, I've changed it a little based on your suggestions and added a no "se" version. - Luciente, JUN 25, 2010
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