HomeQ&Aproofreading my first soneto :)

proofreading my first soneto :)

4
votes

Ok, this is my first sonnet... I am not sure how well it turned out...(I just learned the syllable counting and everything yesterday) I am limited as to how many syllables are in each line, so I guess if something is wrong, I am in trouble... :( Since I was limited, I may have some phrase that sound odd, but as long as it is correct, I really do not care smile

.

¡Mira este desorden en que me metí!

arrastro las penas, los pensamientos

y ahora, obedezco los abatimientos

¡Qué error que he vivido, y aún sigo así !

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Ah la vida dichosa, ¿por qué me fuiste?

Pues, encubierta en el profundo estás

sin ser tocado, sin hogar quedarás

¿Por qué de las cosas malvadas naciste?

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Sin palabras te esfumaste en los antaños

ensimismada y engreída estuviste

no quedan ningunos placeres hogaños

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¡Si la vida fuese un sueño! Lo sería

un milagro sin poder de explicarlo.

Un sueño en realidad, yo viviría

1735 views
updated JUN 1, 2010
posted by NikkiLR
correction... "por qué te fuiste". - NikkiLR, MAY 31, 2010

6 Answers

1
vote

Ah la vida dichosa, ¿por qué me fuiste? - I think that should be "¿por qué te fuiste?"

"Pues, encubierta en lo profundo estás"

"sin ser tocada, sin hogar quedarás"

"un milagro sin dar más explicaciones" (poder de explicarlo is not correct, sorry)

updated JUN 1, 2010
posted by Gekkosan
0
votes

¡Si la vida fuese un sueño! lo sería

una aura de viveza en la cual recorra.

Un sueño en realidad, yo viviría.

I am not sure if you can use those tenses together or not... ¿?

updated JUN 1, 2010
edited by NikkiLR
posted by NikkiLR
Looks good to me! :-) - Gekkosan, JUN 1, 2010
Really?!? That is great. Does it sound odd? - NikkiLR, JUN 1, 2010
I'm not sure who is doing the "recorrer", but other than that, looks and sounds pretty smooth. - Gekkosan, JUN 1, 2010
yeah, I know... :( but that would be me doing it... - NikkiLR, JUN 1, 2010
0
votes

"un milagro sin dar más explicaciones" (poder de explicarlo is not correct, sorry)

Really? I had several people (Spanish speaking natives) proof read that phrase in specific, because I was not sure (one being a professor) and all said that it was grammatically correct...???

updated JUN 1, 2010
posted by NikkiLR
Without power (or ablitliy of explaining it....) yes - NikkiLR, JUN 1, 2010
Ah! Maybe I read it the wrong way. Do you mean "lacking the power to explain it?" In that case it does work. "No tengo el poder de explicarlo" - "sin poder de explicarlo". Sounds strange, but that way it would be correct. - Gekkosan, JUN 1, 2010
But if you mean "I can't explain it", then it's not correct. It would have to be "sin poder explicarlo", but then of course the meter would be off. - Gekkosan, JUN 1, 2010
No, Not I.... just it.... - NikkiLR, JUN 1, 2010
You know when something is soo great for you, and you don´t know how to explaing it.... that is how it is.... but I am not the one who wants to do (but cant) the explaining.... - NikkiLR, JUN 1, 2010
So this is an unexplainable miracle, in other words? How about "Un milagro que no tiene explicaciones", then? - Gekkosan, JUN 1, 2010
Well, I wanted to have without the power (or ability) of explaining... - NikkiLR, JUN 1, 2010
A miracle without the power of explaining - I reckon in that case it does work the way you have it. Sounds peculiar to me, but you are the poetisa! - Gekkosan, JUN 1, 2010
Yeah, a lot of what I write sounds kinda weird, but I really cannot explaing it good enough to make sence. But there are a lot of famous poets who had some pretty strange stuff... more than mine times 10... jaja - NikkiLR, JUN 1, 2010
0
votes

Hay que las poemas en espanol necesitan correcta con gramar o es posible que podremos usar roto gramar ?

updated JUN 1, 2010
posted by SELWICH425
You can break up sentences & leave out words that would normally be needed to make a complete sentence... - NikkiLR, JUN 1, 2010
0
votes

I'm not much of a poet myself, poetisa, but it looks quite good to me!

The only thing I wonder about is tocado in the seventh line. Are you using it as the past participle of the verb tocar? If so, it is fine as it is. On the other hand, if it is being used as an adjective, should it be tocada? The answer depends, of course, on what noun it is modifying.

updated MAY 31, 2010
posted by waltico
Hmm, I am not sure, maybe tocada? I would think... sin ser tocada... without being touched... ¿? - NikkiLR, MAY 31, 2010
refering to "vida" - NikkiLR, MAY 31, 2010
without being touched - sin ser tocado. With a past participle, I don't think the ending changes. - waltico, MAY 31, 2010
0
votes

Great rhyme scheme.....but I forgot how many syllables in each line.......remind me and I will recount the syllables for you, I am pretty good at it. Are you using sinalefa?

updated MAY 31, 2010
posted by sunshinzmommie
13, ... there are times when I combine the vowels (that is sinalefa, corect?), and also i believe I seperated them to create extra syllables as well... but I forgot what that one was called... :S I just know doing that, you are using a poetic license... - NikkiLR, MAY 31, 2010
oops, 12, I meant - NikkiLR, MAY 31, 2010
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