proofreading my first soneto :)

Question

Ok, this is my first sonnet... I am not sure how well it turned out...(I just learned the syllable counting and everything yesterday) I am limited as to how many syllables are in each line, so I guess if something is wrong, I am in trouble... :( Since I was limited, I may have some phrase that sound odd, but as long as it is correct, I really do not care

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¡Mira este desorden en que me metí!

arrastro las penas, los pensamientos

y ahora, obedezco los abatimientos

¡Qué error que he vivido, y aún sigo así !

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Ah la vida dichosa, ¿por qué me fuiste?

Pues, encubierta en el profundo estás

sin ser tocado, sin hogar quedarás

¿Por qué de las cosas malvadas naciste?

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Sin palabras te esfumaste en los antaños

ensimismada y engreída estuviste

no quedan ningunos placeres hogaños

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¡Si la vida fuese un sueño! Lo sería

un milagro sin poder de explicarlo.

Un sueño en realidad, yo viviría

correction... "por qué te fuiste". - NikkiLR, MAY 31, 2010

Answer 1

Ah la vida dichosa, ¿por qué me fuiste? - I think that should be "¿por qué te fuiste?"

"Pues, encubierta en lo profundo estás"

"sin ser tocada, sin hogar quedarás"

"un milagro sin dar más explicaciones" (poder de explicarlo is not correct, sorry)

Answer 2

¡Si la vida fuese un sueño! lo sería

una aura de viveza en la cual recorra.

Un sueño en realidad, yo viviría.

I am not sure if you can use those tenses together or not... ¿?

Looks good to me! :-) - Gekkosan, JUN 1, 2010

Really?!? That is great. Does it sound odd? - NikkiLR, JUN 1, 2010

I'm not sure who is doing the "recorrer", but other than that, looks and sounds pretty smooth. - Gekkosan, JUN 1, 2010

yeah, I know... :( but that would be me doing it... - NikkiLR, JUN 1, 2010

Answer 3

"un milagro sin dar más explicaciones" (poder de explicarlo is not correct, sorry)

Really? I had several people (Spanish speaking natives) proof read that phrase in specific, because I was not sure (one being a professor) and all said that it was grammatically correct...???

Without power (or ablitliy of explaining it....) yes - NikkiLR, JUN 1, 2010

Ah! Maybe I read it the wrong way. Do you mean "lacking the power to explain it?" In that case it does work. "No tengo el poder de explicarlo" - "sin poder de explicarlo". Sounds strange, but that way it would be correct. - Gekkosan, JUN 1, 2010

But if you mean "I can't explain it", then it's not correct. It would have to be "sin poder explicarlo", but then of course the meter would be off. - Gekkosan, JUN 1, 2010

No, Not I.... just it.... - NikkiLR, JUN 1, 2010

You know when something is soo great for you, and you don´t know how to explaing it.... that is how it is.... but I am not the one who wants to do (but cant) the explaining.... - NikkiLR, JUN 1, 2010

So this is an unexplainable miracle, in other words? How about "Un milagro que no tiene explicaciones", then? - Gekkosan, JUN 1, 2010

Well, I wanted to have without the power (or ability) of explaining... - NikkiLR, JUN 1, 2010

A miracle without the power of explaining - I reckon in that case it does work the way you have it. Sounds peculiar to me, but you are the poetisa! - Gekkosan, JUN 1, 2010

Yeah, a lot of what I write sounds kinda weird, but I really cannot explaing it good enough to make sence. But there are a lot of famous poets who had some pretty strange stuff... more than mine times 10... jaja - NikkiLR, JUN 1, 2010

Answer 4

Hay que las poemas en espanol necesitan correcta con gramar o es posible que podremos usar roto gramar ?

You can break up sentences & leave out words that would normally be needed to make a complete sentence... - NikkiLR, JUN 1, 2010

Answer 5

I'm not much of a poet myself, poetisa, but it looks quite good to me!

The only thing I wonder about is tocado in the seventh line. Are you using it as the past participle of the verb tocar? If so, it is fine as it is. On the other hand, if it is being used as an adjective, should it be tocada? The answer depends, of course, on what noun it is modifying.

Hmm, I am not sure, maybe tocada? I would think... sin ser tocada... without being touched... ¿? - NikkiLR, MAY 31, 2010

refering to "vida" - NikkiLR, MAY 31, 2010

without being touched - sin ser tocado. With a past participle, I don't think the ending changes. - waltico, MAY 31, 2010

Answer 6

Great rhyme scheme.....but I forgot how many syllables in each line.......remind me and I will recount the syllables for you, I am pretty good at it. Are you using sinalefa?

13, ... there are times when I combine the vowels (that is sinalefa, corect?), and also i believe I seperated them to create extra syllables as well... but I forgot what that one was called... :S I just know doing that, you are using a poetic license... - NikkiLR, MAY 31, 2010

oops, 12, I meant - NikkiLR, MAY 31, 2010