HomeQ&APalabras dulces... Y ...Llama apagada - two poems for proofreading.

Palabras dulces... Y ...Llama apagada - two poems for proofreading.

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Just looking for grammar and spelling corrections. I may have some funny ordering for a few words, but just as long as its correct, I think its okay if it sounds a little odd. The help would be greatly appreciated

PALABRAS DULCES

Así como la madrugada abraza el cielo,

tu amor me abraza a mí.

Por mis venas corre su bello canto,

llenándome en silencio,

con las palabras de una gran esperanza.

Pregunta a las estrellas,

una razón de amor posee cada una,

y cada una,

prueba de mi querer.


LLAMA APAGADA

Abrázame, madrugada,

con tu bello canto envuélveme,

pues ya se fue, ya se murió.

Solo queda el humo de lo que solía ser.

.

La llama de mi vida, ya apagada está.

Ni el sol (le / la?) puede ayudar,

ni el sol le puede devolver su vida.

y aunque muerta, todavía me arde el alma.

.

Dudoso es el camino que ando.

No sabe nada mi vida sino lo desconocido

y las paredes que la rodean y tiznan.

Son el abrigo de mi alma,

son los engaños que lo matan.

3174 views
updated MAY 27, 2010
edited by NikkiLR
posted by NikkiLR

6 Answers

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Dudoso es el camino que recorro

No conoce nada mi vida sino lo desconocido

y las paredes que la rodean y tiznan.

Son el abrigo de mi alma,

son los engaños que lo matan.

Recorro es una licencia poetica, jeje, pero conocer sí, saber lo desconocido no es correcto.

Cambiaría lo de lo matan, quizás me matan, no queda claro si es del camino, del abrigo o de qué hablas.

updated MAY 27, 2010
posted by 00494d19
Yeah, I know I am not that specific... but I was saying.... son el abrigo.... as well as los engaños... que Lo matan.... refers to my soul... - NikkiLR, MAY 27, 2010
I do like the verb recorrer, thank you, Heidita. :) - NikkiLR, MAY 27, 2010
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"Pregunta a las estrellas"

is a command.

"Ni el sol le puede ayudar," I'm not exactly sure why, but I think it is better if you say "la puede ayudar".

I had "la puede ayudar" and was told that it was incorrect. :( but then again, I do see people using "le" in that case as well.

"son los engaños que lo matan." Again, I think you want a "la" instead of "lo" here.

Lo, referring to alma.

Thank you for the response smile

updated MAY 27, 2010
posted by NikkiLR
Again, I'm hindered by my poor grasp of theory, but as far as I know "alma" is female, like water. "Agua fresca, la disfruto." "Alma pura, la cultivo". - Gekkosan, MAY 27, 2010
Yeah, I suppose so, thank you. :) I always had thought it was EL...a while back someone told me that.... and I never double checked that until now... oops :( - NikkiLR, MAY 27, 2010
Well, yes, we use "el" the same way (and for the same reason) as in agua: "El agua está fresca", "La venganza nunca es buena, mata el alma y la envenena" - El Chavo del 8 - Gekkosan, MAY 27, 2010
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Saber el desconocido is not correct.

updated MAY 27, 2010
posted by 00494d19
Yes, but I am asking, why? - NikkiLR, MAY 27, 2010
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votes

Ok, and what would be the difference between-

Saber el desconicido

and

Conocer lo desconocido...?

I know what I am saying in the phrase makes no sense whatsoever and I really don't know how to explain where I am coming from on this one... sorry.

My soul knows nothing but the unknown.

updated MAY 27, 2010
edited by NikkiLR
posted by NikkiLR
0
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La llama de mi vida, ya apagada está.

Ni el sol la puede avivar

Are we talking about la llama? You M U S T use la here, le is only "accepted" for male nouns, never for females as a direct object.

I would use avivar...I hope you like it.

ni el sol le puede devolver la vida.

y aunque muerta, todavía me arde el alma.

updated MAY 27, 2010
posted by 00494d19
It's so good when it can be explained in those terms. *sigh* I'm just going to have to sit down learn all the durned grammar theory once and for all, one of these days. :-p - Gekkosan, MAY 27, 2010
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"con las palabras de una gran esperanza"

"Pregunta a las estrellas", - > seems ok, but I'd have to ask who's doing the asking, or whether it is an imperative, in which case it's fine.

"Ni el sol le puede ayudar," I'm not exactly sure why, but I think it is better if you say "la puede ayudar".

"son los engaños que lo matan." Again, I think you want a "la" instead of "lo" here.

 

Lovely. Sad, but lovely.

updated MAY 26, 2010
posted by Gekkosan
I agree with you about the LA / LE thing too. Everyone else says that is incorrect though... ¿?¿? - NikkiLR, MAY 26, 2010
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