Can you please proof-read this short story?

0
votes

Can you please proof read this and tell me anything that I need to change? It's just a very simple, short story.

Miguel y Rebecca es los padres

Lucy es la pequeño hija, ella es solo cinco años.

Rebecca: "Lucy, come demasiado mucho"

Miguel: "Sí, su madre es rason."

Lucy: "¡No! Yo no como demasiado mucho"

Rebecca: "Sí, yo pense que come demasiado mucho para un cinco años niña."

Miguel "A mí tambien"

Lucy: "Humpff. No. Yo no pensar tan."

Rebecca: "Come todo del helado, y las galletas. Esta asqueroso..."

Lucy: "No, yo era no comer la el helado y las galletas... padre come todo de eso"

Rebecca: "Miguel, es ella rason?"

Miguel: "Ummm... sííí..."

Lucy: "¡¡¡Jejeje, mal padre; mal padre!!!"

1156 views
updated DIC 1, 2009
posted by EJClaire
hehe very funny! But yeah, just fix what kattya said and it looks good!

2 Answers

1
vote

Hi Claire,

You should check the verbs in your story. Many of them are conjugated incorrectly. For example, Miguel y Rebecca es los padres" should be "son los padres", and "yo pense" should be "yo pienso".

Also, you have used a couple of expressions words that should go with tener, rather than ser:

Lucy tiene cinco años

¿**tiene ella razon?

Finally, a five-year old girl is una niña de cinco años.

I think if you go through it carefully and fix those, it will read a lot better! smile smile

updated DIC 1, 2009
posted by kattya
1
vote

(Ofrecido con humildad)

"yo no como demasiado mucho" is definitely an anglicism, not good Spanish

You could say something like: "no como mucho"

"Come todo del helado, y las galletas. Esta asqueroso"

You could say something like: "comiste todo el helado y las galletas...." , since parents talking to their child would use the "tu" form

"Yo no pensar tan"

doesn't translate "I don't think so"

You could say something like: "No estoy de acuerdo"

"yo era no comer la el helado"

It would be better to say: "No fui yo que comí el helado"

updated DIC 1, 2009
posted by BruceBell