Teodora va a la cárcel el día de visitas; Corrections? Improvements? either language
scene 207 *********************************
Teodora va a la cárcel el día de visitas;
trayéndole mensajes personales de Arturo.
Teodora goes into the jail on visiting day;
bringing her personal messages from Arturo.
Ella tiene lápiz de labios rosa, líneas pintadas,
bajo sus ojos y el color azulado en sus párpados.
She has pink lipstick, painted black lines
under her eyes and bluish color on her lids .
Ella dice que si ellos pudieran conseguir el dinero
ellos habrían obvia y alegremente, pagado su fianza.
She tells her that if they could get up the money
they would have obviously, gladly, make her bail.
Los mensajes de Azucena son recibidos con una atenta diligencia;
la hermana dice que los están repitiendo a él palabra por palabra.
Azucena’s messages are received with rapt attentive diligence;
the sister tells her that she repeats them to him word by word.
Azucena sólo está interesada en si Arturo vendrá a verla;
ella necesita desesperadamente verlo, sentirlo, estar con él.
Azucena is only interested in: is Arturo is coming to see her?
she desperately desires to see and to feel him, to be with him.
5 Answers
Ella dice que si ellos pudieran conseguir el dinero
ellos habrían obvia y alegremente, pagado su fianza.
She tells her that if they could get up the money
they would have obviously, gladly, make her bail.
It would make more sense as: She tells her that if they could get the money they would have, obviously, gladly made her bail. (It would be made her bail since it's they would have.) Also, there's no comma after gladly because commas create a short pause, so it would sound better as obviously, gladly made her bail, rather than obviously, gladly, made her bail. There are too many pauses (aka commas!)
Los mensajes de Azucena son recibidos con una atenta diligencia;
la hermana dice que los están repitiendo a él palabra por palabra.
Azucena’s messages are received with rapt attentive diligence;
the sister tells her that she repeats them to him word by word.
This would make more sense as: Azucena's messages are recieved with rapt, attentive diligence; her sister tells her that she should repeat them to him word for word. Oh, and if you're not a native English speaker, it's word for word, not word by word. (And ah. . .if you are. . .sorry!) When listing anything (Rapt, attentive) there should always be a comma between them. Also, it should be tells her that she should repeat them, etc...because it's an order from her sister. She is her sister, right? ¡Espero que sea gran ayuda! 
Teodora va a la cárcel el día de visitas;
trayéndole mensajes personales de Arturo.
Ella tiene lápiz de labios rosa, líneas negras pintadas
bajo sus ojos y color azulado en sus párpados.
Ella le dice que si pudieran conseguir el dinero
ellos obviamente y de buena gana habrían pagado su fianza.
Los mensajes de Azucena son recibidos con una atenta diligencia;
la hermana le dice que se los repite a él palabra por palabra.
Azucena sólo está interesada en si Arturo vendrá a verla;
ella necesita desesperadamente verlo, sentirlo, estar con él.
Revisalo and Check it out
Please tell me if I have made more mistakes.
scene 207 *********************************
Teodora va a la cárcel el día de visitas;
trayéndole mensajes personales de Arturo.
Teodora goes into the jail on visiting day;
bringing her personal messages from Arturo.
Ella tiene lápiz de labios rosa, líneas pintadas,
bajo de sus ojos y color azulado en sus párpados.
She has pink lipstick, painted black lines
under her eyes and bluish color on her lids .
Ella le dice que si ellos habían conseguido el dinero
naturalmente y de buena gana habrían pagado su fianza
She tells her that if they had gotten the money
they would naturally, gladly have made her bail.
Los mensajes de Azucena son recibidos con una atenta diligencia;
la hermana le dice que se los repite a él palabra por palabra.
Azucena’s messages are received with rapt attentive diligence;
the sister tells her that she repeats them to him word for word.
Azucena sólo está interesada en si Arturo vendrá a verla;
ella necesita desesperadamente verlo, sentirlo, estar con él.
Azucena is only interested in: is Arturo is coming to see her?
she desperately desires to see and to feel him, to be with him.
they would have obviously, gladly, made her bail.
or
they would obviously, gladly, make her bail.
the sister tells her that she repeats them to him word for word.
