Okay, how does this sound? "When my eyelids close..."

Question

When my eyelids close

When my eyelids close, I can tell my dreams are coming true today, I’m walking to the nearest metro station, and start on my way. I’m going to heaven, to see my great creator, oh, I hope he’s pleased with me, oh, I hope he’s pleased. When my eyelids close, the world is on my fingertips, the world is all I know; the world is not my home. When my eyelids close, he says the world is ending soon, the world is ending soon. When my eyelids close, I can tell my dreams are coming true today, I’m walking to the nearest metro station, and start on my way, I’m going to heaven, to see my great creator, oh, I hope he’s pleased with me, oh, I hope he’s pleased with me. For the world is underneath me, I cannot wish upon a star, for the world is understandable, but still confusing. Life should be great with him, it should be great. Our GOD is ending the world. Get up and raise your arms and worship in him. When my eyelids close, I can tell my dreams are coming true today, I’m walking to the nearest metro station, and start on my way, I’m going to heaven, to see my great creator, oh, I hope he’s pleased with me, oh, I hope he’s pleased with me. PLEASED WITH ME! OHHHH! When my eyelids close, I can tell my dreams are coming true today, I’m walking to the nearest metro station, and start on my way. I’m going to heaven, to see my great creator, oh, I hope he’s pleased with me, oh, I hope he’s pleased

Answer 1

That's not weird....O_O

Answer 2

I wish I had done something creative at your age. Now I'm old and broken with only "should have" to look back on.

You have a lot of potential.

What do you mean too old, life begins at 40, wait until you get to my age and then come back and say you are too old. - kenwilliams, Nov 3, 2009

Answer 3

I officially love you, mber.

Answer 4

oops...I saw, too late, that you were probably not looking for grammatical input so much as for content. If this is so the I apologize for my previous post.

Content-wise, I think you should continue writing to develop your talent

Answer 5

Was this meant to be poetry? If so, it would probably help the readability if you were to break it up

When my eyelids close,

I can tell my dreams are coming true today,

I’m walking to the nearest metro station,

and start on my way.

etc.

Otherwise, if this was meant to be prose then you have several comma-splice errors that make it difficult to read.

I can tell my dreams are coming true today, comma splice I’m walking to the nearest metro station

Answer 6

But keep on writing

Answer 7

Understandable. :D

Answer 8

De gustibus non es disputandum and I think I prefer something more down-to-earth with fewer adjectives.

Answer 9

looks down and awaits answer

Answer 10

Echo! (echo echo echo echo)

Answer 11

I wrote it xD