Spanish Jokes
Tell me funny jokes in Spanish! 
(Please)
17 Answers
"¡Ay mamá! No sé si casarme con el contable o con el militar." Le dice muy confundida una joven a su madre.
La madre contesta "No lo pienses más hija, cásate con el militar, saben cocinar, hacer la cama, y recibir ordenes."
Okey, you guys have to pay special attention in order to get this one! (By the way my grammar might not be the best, sorry!) 
Un hombre y su esposa están esperando su primer hijo. De repente rompe el agua de la mujer. Una vez que llegan al hospital, ella comienza a tener muchas contracciones, y mucho dolor. El médico dice que puede darle un epidural, o pueden intentar un nuevo tratamiento experimental. La pareja están interesadas en este nuevo tratamiento, y pide al médico lo que conlleva. El médico dice que atribuimos estos tubos para usted y los otros tubos a su marido. Entonces prendemos esta máquina especial a una colocación especificada. Durante el parto el importe fijado en la máquina es la cantidad de dolor transferido de la madre al padre del bebé. La pareja está de acuerdo en probar esto. El médico que se inicia en el valor más bajo. El hombre se siente bien, por eso el médico resulta de la instalación. El hombre todavía se siente bien. El médico lo convierte hasta el ajuste más alto. El hombre todavía se siente bien y sin ningún efecto aparente de la máquina. La mujer da a luz al bebé. Cuando la pareja llega a casa que encontrar al hombre de correo muerto en el porche.
A man and his wife are expecting they're first child. The woman's water breaks. Once they arrive at the hospital, she begins to have many contractions, and a lot of pain. The doctor says that he can either give her and epidural, or they can try a new experimental treatment. The couple is interested in this new treatment and asks the doctor what it entails. The doctor says we attach these tubes to you and the other tubes to your husband. Then we turn on this special machine to a specified setting. During labor the amount set on the machine is the amount of pain transferred from the mother to the baby's father. The couple agrees to try this. The doctor starts it on the lowest setting. The man feels fine, so the doctor turns the setting up. The man still feels fine. The doctor turns it up to the highest setting. The man still feels fine and with no apparent effect of the machine. The woman delivers the baby. When the couple arrives home they find the Mail Man dead on the porch.
Do you guys understand it?
Mi hijo, en su nuevo trabajo, se encuentra como pez en el agua.
¿Qué hace?
Nada.
Papá, ¿qué significa 'Formateando disco C:' ?
Mamá, ¿porqué tiene papá tan poco pelo?
Porque es muy inteligente y siempre está pensando.
Entonces, ¿por qué tienes tú tanto?
Calla y come la sopa.
El todopoderoso les dijo a Adán y Eva vayan para procrear. Después un rato Adán regresó y le dijo a Dios, ¿por qué ha creado Eva con tanta belleza? Dios contestó, de modo que tú le amarías a ella Adán. Entonces por qué ha dado Eva una figura fantastica, de modo que tú le amarías a ella Adán. Entonces Por qué has creado Eva con tanta compasión. De modo que tú le amarías a ella Adán. Entonces Por qué has creado Eva con tanta estupidez. Dios pensó en un respuesta y le dijo a Adán. De modo que Ella te amaría a ti Adán.
God said to Adam and Eve go forth and procreate, After a short while Adam returned and said to God, why did you make Eve so Beautiful? God answered, so you would love her Adam. But why did you give her such a fantastic figure? God answered again so you would love her Adam. But why did you make her such a compassionate, caring person? God answered a third time, so you would love her Adam. Then why did you make her so stupid? God thought for a while and said, so she would love you Adam.
Cuando vi un viejo enfermo y cansado le pregunté - ¿Cual es su problema?-
Él dijo, -Nada. Me siento como un babé. No tengo dientes y estoy llevando un pañal.
When I saw a old man looking sick and tired I asked him "What is your problem?"
He said, "Nothing, I feel like a baby. I have no teeth and am wearing a diaper."
I had to look up the word for "diaper". Oh well.
El doctor llama por teléfono a su paciente:
The doctor calls his patient by telephone:
- Vera, tengo una noticia buena y otra mala.
"Vera, I have good news and bad news."
- Bueno... dígame primero la buena.
"Well then, . . . tell me the good news first."
- Los resultados del análisis indican que le quedan 24 horas de vida.
"The results of the analysis indicate that you have 24 hours left to live."
- Pero, bueno, ¿eso es la buena noticia? ¿Entonces cuál es la mala?
"Well, that's the good news? Then what's the bad news?"
- Que llevo intentando localizarle desde ayer.
"That I have been trying to reach you since yesterday."
The phone rings in the middle of the night. The wife answers and a few seconds later said, " I don't live on the beach and I'm not the weather man." She hangs up. The husband said, "Who was that? The wife said "I don't know, some women wanting to know if the coast is clear.
This one is too much for me to translate and get anywhere near correct. Anyway, I hope someone got a laugh out of it.
Es la segunda guerra mundial. Los alemanes tienen 3 prisioneros: un inglés, un francés y un gallego. Van a fusilar al inglés, "preparen!" "apunten!" y el inglés grita "terremoto, terremoto!!" y los alemanes se asustan y salen corriendo. El inglés aprovecha para escaparse.
Los alemanes se dan cuenta de que han sido timados. Entonces van a fusilar al francés, "preparen!" "apunten!" y el francés grita "avalancha!!", los alemanes se asustan y salen corriendo.
Los alemanes se dan cuenta de que los han engañado nuevamente. Entonces van a fusilar al gallego, "preparen!" "apunten!" y el gallego grita "FUEGO!!"
Esto es un hombre que va conduciendo por una carretera cuando se da cuenta de que un coche de la policía le esta dando las luces para que se pare. Cuando aparca en el arcen, se le acerca un policia con cara de mosqueo y le espeta:
Policía - ¿Sabia usted que su esposa se cayó del coche hace diez kilometros?
Hombre - ¡Oh, gracias a Dios! Creí que me había quedado sordo!
Once again in English, not too sure it works in Spanish. Also I don't think Marianne will appreciate it.
Scientist around the world have started to carry out their experiments on lawyers instead of rats. They are doing this for two major reasons.
1) The scientists never develop an attachment towards the lawyers.
2) There are some things that even rats won't do.
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian customs agent stops them and tells them: "Itsa illegal to putta fiva people ina Quattro."
"What do you mean it's illegal?" asked the Englishmen.
"Quattro means four," replies the Italian official.
"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen says disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons."
"You can'ta blame thata one ona me," replies the Italian customs agent."Quattro means four. You hava fiva people ina your car and you are therefore breakin'a the law".
The Englishmen reply angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over We want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds the Italian official, "he can'ta come"."He's a busy with two guys in a Uno".
Why did Cyclops have to give up teaching? Because he only had one pupil.
Sorry for the English but the word pupil in English has two words in Spanish so it wouldn't work. Not that it works too well anyway. I just felt left out, hehe.
Eddy
What do you call a boomerang that does not work? ............a stick
¿Cómo se llama un boomerang que no funciona? ...........un palo
Why did the teacher have to wear sun glasses?
....Her students were very bright.
¿Por qué los maestros tienen que usar gafas de sol? .....Sus alumnos eran muy brillantes.
Papá, ¿qué significa 'Formateando disco C:' ?
No lo comprendo.
Camerón, me acaban de mandar este chiste en inglés, una versión algo diferente, pero la misma esencia. Creo que tiene razón, cualquier cosa es más facil que entender a una mujer
*A man was riding his Harley beside a Sydney beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said…. 'Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to New Zealand so I can ride over anytime I want.'
The Lord said; 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'
The biker thought hard about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy'.
The Lord replied; 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?*
