Es de mañana y ellos estan en un autobús rural; él sonríe

0
votes

Es de mañana y ellos estan en un autobús rural; él sonríe
feliz como niño; su apostura le impacta como rayos de luz.

It is morning they are on a rural bus; he is gay laughing boyish;
his good looks kept striking at her like some kind of light rays.

Es de día y bueno para una aventura; una colección de personajes
de pueblo interesante, de todas las edades, estan en los asientos.

It is a daytime for a fine adventure; a collection of
interesting village people of all ages are in the seats.

El relajo amistoso en el pasillo, su presunción, inspira a algunos de
los pasajeros a responder a sus retos verbales con los suyos propios.

The friendly banter in the aisle, his showing off, inspires some of the
male passengers to respond to his verbal challenges with their own wit.

ÿl les cuenta un chiste y ríen con gran sentido del humor; ella ríe
sonrojada y felizmente mirando por la ventana y a sus reflecciones.

He responds with a good one, they laugh with good humor. She laughs
shyly and happily; looking out the window, and at their reflections.

ANY HELP WITH OUR EPIC POETIC-STYLE SCREEN TREATMENT "AZUCENA"
WILL BE APPRECIATED. THE SPANISH AND ENGLISH DONT HAVE TO BE
EXACT TRANSLATIONS SO LONG AS WHAT THEY MEAN MAKES POETIC SENSE.

3156 views
updated MAY 26, 2009
posted by Martin-Rizzi

2 Answers

0
votes

Martin, comments on the English version only as follows:

Es de mañana y ellos estan en un autobús rural; él sonríe
feliz como niño; su apostura le impacta como rayos de luz.

It is morning and* (<--add this word)* they are on a rural bus; he is [del]gay [/del](<-- fallen into disuse by negative connotation) carefree, laughing, boyish;
his good looks [del]kept[/del](<-- word not required) [del]striking[/del](<--wrong tense) strike at her like [del]some kind of[/del]* (<-- words not required)* light rays.

Es de día y bueno para una aventura; una colección de personajes
de pueblo interesante, de todas las edades, estan en los asientos.

It is a day[del]time[/del](<-- say only "day" not "daytime") for a fine adventure; a [del]collection[/del](<-- while any group may be referred to as a collection, I believe you more mean different kinds of people by gender, occupation, appearance, status etc.) variety of interesting village people of all ages are [del]in the seats[/del](<-- the better phrase is "on the bus) on the bus.

El relajo amistoso en el pasillo, su presunción, inspira a algunos de
los pasajeros a responder a sus retos verbales con los suyos propios.

The friendly [del]banter[/del](<-- see how I have saved this to be used later in this same paragraph) chatter in the aisle and his
[del]showing off[/del](<-- nobody would like a show-off. Poor word choice) easy openness(<--encourages openness in others and removes any threat of danger)[del]inspires[/del](<--wrong "feeling" in the word) encourages some of the male passengers to respond to his [del]verbal challenges[/del] (<-- for what reason would he challenge [as in threaten] others') banter (<--here, "banter" is the right word to use) with their own wit.

ÿl les cuenta un chiste y ríen con gran sentido del humor; ella ríe
sonrojada y felizmente mirando por la ventana y a sus reflecciones.

He spins (or tells) them a quick joke and laughs in good humour. (<-- This is how the Spanish version is written.). [del]He responds with a good one, they laugh with good humor[/del] (<-- In the Spanish version, HE tells the joke and laughs at it, not the other men). She laughs shyly and happily; looking both (<-- adds clarity to the mental picture of what she is doing) out the window[,](<-- a comma is not required here) and at their reflections.

*Nothing has been added to increase the length of the piece. I hope you can identify all the changes amongst the clutter of editorial comments.

Regards,
Moe*

updated MAY 28, 2009
posted by Moe
0
votes

hey Moe, thanks - as soon as I can - I hope tonight - I will review your suggestions

updated MAY 26, 2009
posted by Martin-Rizzi