Could you proofread my English text - uniforms

Question

Please over all the redaction

However, there is a competition when it comes to clothes: some kids wear Nike or other expensive brand name clothes, but there are some who cannot afford it, so they wear regular stuff, and these kids get picked on; besides, some people such as the most popular in the school act like their all that because of maybe the beautiful clothes they wear; also, if students wear uniforms nobody can judge them, for they look like everybody else, but if they wear their regular clothes people will judge them and that is not what their going to school for to be judged; accordingly, if someone came to observe the school and they saw people with tattoos, short-shorts, high heels, short skirts and wearing excessive make-up, that person would not think the school is all that serious.

Thanks

Answer 1

Mary, this is quite different from what you wrote. I am trying to give you an example of a more natural way to say what I think you are trying to articulate. ¡Suerte!

However, there is a competition when it comes to clothing. Some kids wear Nike or other expensive brand names. However there are some who cannot afford this, so they wear regular clothing. These kids get picked on. If all students wore uniforms nobody could judge them, for all the students would look alike. Without a dress code, students are seen with tattoos, shorts, high heels, short skirts and wearing excessive make-up. Such a wild array of clothing detracts from the snese of purpose that is required in a serious learning environment.

• Thanks Jeremias - maylegoas Dec 21, 2011

Answer 2

See below. I am a native English speaker . Overall, I would not say your transition is the best or I get the main idea. No offense; just my constructive criticism.

However, there is a competition when it comes to clothes: some kids wear Nike or other expensive brand name clothes,

-Right here, you make a transition that is not smooth. You could separate this with a period.

but there are some who cannot afford it, so they wear regular stuff, and these kids get picked on;

-Again, not a good transition. Use a period.

besides, some people such as the most popular in the school act like their

-It is "they're" or "they are".

all that because of maybe the beautiful clothes they wear;

-Period highly advised here.

also, if students wear uniforms

-Comma to indicate transition here.

nobody can judge them, for they look like everybody else, but if they wear their regular clothes people will judge them and that is not what their

-They're or they are.

going to school for

-Transition with a colon or long dash. This mark : or this mark - (this should be longer, but anywho).

to be judged;

-Period here again.

accordingly, if someone came to observe the school and they saw people with tattoos, short-shorts, high heels, short skirts and wearing excessive make-up, that person would not think the school is all that serious.

• What you ultimately made here was something called a "run-on sentence". It is also a grammatical error because it confuses the reader. But this is aside from the other errors I pointed out. - SINGASDF12 Dec 21, 2011
• Thanks SINGASDF12 I will be carefull with the run-ron sentence - maylegoas Dec 21, 2011

Answer 3

Hi Mary,

I think others have given you some good specific advice, but I would like to make a suggestion. I think your composition would improve if you used short, declarative sentences, one sentence per thought. When one strings many thoughts together with commas, semi-colons, colons, and the like one's thinking tends to get muddled along with the language. The language becomes convoluted and confused. This is true for everyone, not you in particular. Keep up the good work!

• Hola Jeremias, y gracias por lo que me enseñas, solo que este párrafo es parte de un Essay argumentativo y estaba tratando de dar varios argumentos para justificar mi ponencia sobre el uso de los uniformes en el colegio. - maylegoas Dec 21, 2011