"Tearing apart" friends and family (What's your opinion?)

Question

Today I read some very wise words from one of our younger members:

(Each tear in a paper represents) ....a mean word said to someone and the damage it does to a person ....(which) can never be undone.

I'm impressed that someone so young can get "it" so early on, i.e., that love, respect, and tolerance of differences are good for the soul and for the people around you.

However, she got this response:

Wow, one can tell you are not married and have not had many fights with friends, so many words are said in anger, or just said, without thinking.

Which prompts my question: Do you "tear apart" family and friends with mean words spoken in anger or without thinking, and if yes, how's that working out for you? Has someone treated you this way? What did you do?

In my most humble opinion .....I think it's a matter of personality.

I've learned that some people do indeed use words to hurt, either deliberately or unintentionally, without giving another thought to how it is received on the other end. What they don't realize is that each time a mean word or insult is spoken it adds to the last mean word, building up a pile that some people just get tired of. This, I think, is a common reason for divorce--a lack of respect and compassion as shown by that person's words.

A husband or wife can only say "sorry about my temper tantrum" so many times before the other spouse gets tired and walks out. It's the repeated nasty words that end a relationship, not the occasional mistake that we all make.

The statement was:

Each ....mean word said to someone and the damage it does to a person ....can never be undone.

The response was:

If that were true, no married couple and no friendship, for that matter, would survive

In my experience neither married couples nor friends "tear each other apart." If my husband and I (or even a true friend) have a disagreement or difference of opinion we don't call each other names, slam the door, or give them the silent treatment for a week. Rather, we treat each other with trust, respect, love, and compassion. Being angry does not excuse hurtful words, and if on occasion, mean things are said you apologize..sincerely..and do your best not to lose control again.

Ironically enough, I learned this through my first marriage (which ended 10 years later for very different reasons) and via true friendships. Now, I have the blessing of a strong, happy marriage and strong friendships.

A few days ago, another long-time forum member said....

"What have you done for me lately? Well, that was my mother-in-law's philosophy in life and it made her very miserable. So when you are upset with someone, try to remember all of the reasons you enjoy their company and all of the good times. It won't be long before misunderstandings are cleared up and the friendship/relationship is back on track!

So true! When you look at your loved one and feel anger or frustration, remember how much they mean to you and you'll find it impossible to say cruel, hurtful words or insults.

Please share your experiences with love, friendships, and marriage and the lessons that you have learned.

• Mariana, Thanks for your comment I could not agree more, A good stong debate is fun and enlightening. - pacofinkler Nov 18, 2011
• Yes, indeed, but you and i know how to keep the Golden Rule (Do unto others) in mind while we express our opinions and enjoy our debates. - --Mariana-- Nov 19, 2011

Answer 1

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• You shouldn't say anything without thinking of the other person's feelings first. If you say whatever is on your mind all the time you are just a selfish person. - crazy_for_su Nov 18, 2011
• Good point. Although it's natural for kids to be selfish, as we grow and mature into adults we consider the feelings of other people and take care to use positive words and not abuse our relationships. - --Mariana-- Nov 18, 2011
• Terrific response, Steve!! - territurtle Nov 18, 2011

Answer 2

The exercise I posted was this one. It was done by a class of 7 and 8 year olds. The point was to demonstrate to them that although they could tape or glue the paper back together, they can't make it perfect again. Perhaps it was a little extreme, but words do hurt and this was to show the effect of bullying more than anything else.

There is a saying:

When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something's suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful.

This is true, sometimes a relationship can be strengthened and made more beautiful by being broken and fixed, but it is irrevocably changed.

We're all guilty of saying hurtful words out of anger or when we aren't thinking but we all need to be aware that words really do cause damage and we have both the capacity and the obligation to do better.

• "... we have both the capacity and the obligation to do better..." Yes, we do. - --Mariana-- Nov 17, 2011
• Me gusta mucho tu respuesta amiga mía. :) - Amor_y_paz Nov 17, 2011

Answer 3

Personally I don't agree with the concept of fighting being a necessary part of any relationship. My wife and I don't fight, we don't argue. If we disagree on something we simply come to the agreement that we both have our own opinions. If you allow it, arguments and fights can break out over the stupidest things so why allow it. I had over 10 years of that with my first wife because her opinion about this matter was not the same as mine and she could understand that I don't see the reasoning behind it.10 years of being screamed at for not wanting to argue. Go figure. Of those 10 years of marriage 5 of them my son had to endure. That really makes sense. I have since been remarried and for 28 years I have not once raised my voice to her or her to me. In fact the last time I raised my voice was to my kids but that is a different matter. I have been told by many that it is not possible that we have not argued, that I am just saying that or turnng a blind eye to something but I assure you both my wife and I can honestly attest to that fact. We each had similar prior relationships and got out knowing that there was no reason to live like that and that kind of life was in the past for good. Now that I've spouted that I'll go on the the hurtful things. Never, never say anything without thinking it out first. The words you say in anger will come back to haunt you not to mention the damage done to the other person. I value relationships and know that even things said in jest can cause damage. It bothers me immensely to see any friendship turn sour over something that maybe should not have been said or perhaps was just misunderstood. Heated arguments are not inevitable, we all have opinions and all should be respected by each other.

• Thank you so much for sharing this Yesero :) - FELIZ77 Nov 17, 2011
• I know you rae telling the truth With mutual respect people do not have to argue they can either reach a compromise over vital issues or accept that the other person has a valid point of view and agree to differ :) - FELIZ77 Nov 17, 2011
• Congratulations on a great marriage! My wish is that we can all learn to respect each other like this. - --Mariana-- Nov 17, 2011
• Well done mate , you are both working together for the common good , that is a receipt for success. - ray76 Nov 17, 2011
• You've definitely written some powerful words! {P.S. space key tricked you on last two words. ;)) } - territurtle Nov 18, 2011
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Answer 4

Very sad Mariana.

We can cut each other with our tongues or we can heal one another.

Words can hurt! Some believe in the saying, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me". That's true if your the devil! And you have no heart.

I choose to love even those who have wronged me and I will speak life to even those who hate me without a cause.

I believe in love and peace and there are those who hate me for that reason alone!

I will continue to speak life because that is what I believe in.

¡Amor y paz!

• "I believe in love and peace" You will go far in life with this positive attitude, my friend. - --Mariana-- Nov 17, 2011
• Thank you Mariana :) - Amor_y_paz Nov 17, 2011
• Very well said, Amor:) - FELIZ77 Nov 17, 2011
• that dog and cat is so cute!!! (: - msamm02 Nov 18, 2011

Answer 5

• :-) - --Mariana-- Nov 17, 2011

Answer 6

Wow Marianne, quite a lot to think about, hehe. Of course at my age I have said some hurtful things to people I love in the past but strangely enough, never to friends. Why, I suppose this might relate to the amount of time I spend with friends compared to the amount of time I spend with my own family.

Once spoken, normally during some stupid argument over some inconsequential matter, these hurtful words are instantly regretted. Apologies often result and being family, more often than not I am forgiven. As a result I truly endeavour not to repeat the same mistakes. However, as you say, if insults are repeated on a regular basis, apologies tend to become worthless.

• Thanks, Eddy, for your thoughts on this. Feeling regret and apologizing are part of being a caring human being. You can build and keep good relationships with that kind of respect and compassion. - --Mariana-- Nov 17, 2011
• We have all wronged somebody my friend, all the more reason we have ought to forgive those who have wrongeed us. - Amor_y_paz Nov 17, 2011

Answer 7

People don't realize what they are actually saying when they are angry, a person may wish that her friend is dead or didn't even exist when they have a fight, but in the meantime you'd always see that person the first one standing there next to her friend when they she's only sick!!!

Real friends always forgive when they know that their friend was angry or under any pressure while saying such words (although the problem is about forgetting and not forgiving!), but hurting the same place twice leaves a very deep scar that may never be removed or forgotten!

Fights between friends are necessary, without them they're not called friends anymore, but even fighting with a real friend is really different than fighting with someone that you really hate, friends always calm after awhile and it should normally end with an apology or even a hug!!

Hurting someone really deeply by words while being angry or even without thinking before talking hurts so much and only true friendships can hold such a thing.

But in the end a true apology can fix it all! friendship isn't a piece of paper, but trust is! friendship can always get back to normal unless you make the same mistake twice.

Each human has an ability to forgive, but there's a limit for each one, some people are extremely tolerated, some are just waiting for a small mistake to make a big problem, and others just stop when they can't bear it anymore! that's where a friendship really ends!

l may not have the best experience on this, but this is what l could understand during the very short life time l spent on earth so far!

• Very wise words, Amiga. "...but there's a limit for each one...others just stop when they can't bear it anymore..." - --Mariana-- Nov 17, 2011
• This is what I mean by repeatedly saying hurtful words, ".....hurting the same place twice leaves a very deep scar that may never be removed or forgotten!" - --Mariana-- Nov 17, 2011
• 7 x 70 :) - Amor_y_paz Nov 17, 2011
• But marianne actually ''Real friends always forgive when they know that their friend was angry or under any pressure '' just like A&P said 7 x 70 ;) - lovely_lovel Nov 17, 2011
• Oh, and thats not very easy to do and infact is against our very nature. We have to lay down our own pride to be able to do so. Life is hard because we live among evil. We even have to take care that we are not evil ourselves. The only way to do that? - Amor_y_paz Nov 17, 2011
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Answer 8

I am pretty thick skinned and believe the old saying

Sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me.

BUT

Something that really did hurt was when my wife decided to leave me and I said " I love you" and she said

"Well stop it" - "You are only saying that to make me feel guilty"

That did hurt.

but later I realised that she did not know what love is - Love can not be switched on or off at will.

• Yes, I understand completely, Ian. Ironically, it's the people closest to us that can cause the greatest damage because they know our weak points and we trust that they won't hurt us.. A stranger's mean words wouldn't hurt all. - --Mariana-- Nov 17, 2011
• I understand also, there are two ways of looking at everything and you spoke on the flipside of the coin in which I spoke concerning the old saying. All is good my friend. :) I just wish more people knew what love is. - Amor_y_paz Nov 17, 2011

Answer 9

For me a few kind words can erase volumes of hurt.

• Terri, I think you mean volumes of hurt :) - FELIZ77 Nov 17, 2011
• That's true...sincere words of apology can touch anyone's heart. - --Mariana-- Nov 17, 2011
• It's really not about just apologies, **any** kind words and I wallow in the warmth! :-> - territurtle Nov 18, 2011
• Ohhh, thank you, Feliz, for taking the effort to point out my error. Would have driven me crazy if I had found it myself! We too seldom do that for each other. - territurtle Nov 18, 2011

Answer 10

I am sure that I have said some nasty/mean things to people in the past and lived to regret having said them but I have usually been quick to apologise when I know that I am in the wrong. Since becoming a Christian in April 1987 I know that I should first ask God's forgiveness since every careless/harsh word I have spoken against others does grieve God's heart of love.After having received God's forgiveness I then seek to humble myself and ask the other person's forgiveness.

It would be great if, before saying anything to anybody, we could hear in our hearts the words we are about to say and think how we would feel to be on the receiving end of such a message before saying them. I am sure that we would say much less to hurt each other!. I have found from experience that it is better not to speak if we are angry since we are much more inclined to say the wrong thing to someone when we are in an emotional state.

The Bible has some very constructive things to say about how we should talk to each other. This is one excellent example

''When you talk do not say harmful things. But say what people need - words that will help others become stronger. Then what you say will help those who listen to you.'' Ephesians Ch 4 v 29 New Century Version (International Children's Bible)

I am sure that we all desire for our SpanishDict community to succeed and go from strength to strength which it can do and will if we are all willing to play our part in speaking words to build each other up...and I am speaking to myself, too here.

• Nice post, Paul - --Mariana-- Nov 17, 2011
• Thank You, Marianne :) - FELIZ77 Nov 18, 2011
• Wish I had written this little masterpiece myself! Sure does sum up the issue quite eloquently, I think. - territurtle Nov 18, 2011
• Thank you for the compliment Terri:) - FELIZ77 Nov 24, 2011

Answer 11

Hearing something you don't want to hear always hurts, but only telling a person what they want to hear is often worse than telling them the truth: saying things that hurt others and being told things that hurt you are an essential part of life. Of course, "telling the truth" can be used as an excuse to justify truly hateful things, and this needs to be avoided as well. In the end, you cannot tell what a person "needs to hear" or when it is necessary for them to hear it, so you are forced to use your judgement and accept (and learn from) your mistakes. . .as well as from the mistakes of your friends and family. Determining what "saying something that hurts someone unnecessarily" means in every situation is likewise impossible.

Everyone should strive to be the best person they can be, but never saying anything that hurts somebody does't accomplish this: you shouldn't expect this in yourself or others.

• I sure do agree here, Lorenzo. My **best** friends are the ones who never fail to point out the errors I make while striving to live the best life I can. - territurtle Nov 18, 2011
• "telling the truth" can be used as an excuse to justify truly hateful things" Y E S....we have all met people like this!! - --Mariana-- Nov 18, 2011
• Very true! Very very true! Good post Lorenzo. - Amor_y_paz Nov 19, 2011

Answer 12

Well lets think about this for a moment. I am a gringo living in Mexico, I have a very conservative world view. My wife and I have a circle of nearly 50 friends that gather from time to time as schedules allow. Among all these friends opinions can have enormous differences,What I find so interesting is that in heated debates ( not arguments) I am talking debates here, any of us can state our view without offense. We may receive a "hot response" but then that is part of the debate. The Mexican friends in our circle all hold different opinions,and when we gather we hear them all. Some of our friends are more aggressive than others but get their points heard without anyone taking offense. It is the attitude of an open mind, and the attitude that we hold different opinions without anger or fault of the other. My dear girl and I have not found anything to fight about in our years of marriage, we debate things to profound extent and sometime leave the table with different opinions but so what, that is what Khalil Gibran said when he said leave space between you. Personally I am very careful with my relationships,they are important to me,we have created a deep bond that would be foolish to break in a moment of anger. A drop of diplomacy goes a long way.

• My wife and I met in a restaurant where we were semi-regulars and we continued to go there off and on for many years. We had several what we called fights there over the years--we didn't yell or call each other names, but calmly discussed the issue over a - lorenzo9 Nov 18, 2011
• few glasses of beer or wine and agreed to talk about it later after we had thought more about the other persons positions. One waitress said that we didn't have fights and she'd seen more heated discussions over what toppings to get on a pizza. - lorenzo9 Nov 18, 2011
• But to us, they were fights. - lorenzo9 Nov 18, 2011
• Good for you, Pacofinkler!! I'll exchange opinions with you anytime! - territurtle Nov 18, 2011
• Frank, you can only imagine how much I love a good debate...it's my job! But what you said, "..we have created a deep bond that would be foolish to break in a moment of anger" is what I see happen all too often. Some people use insults and call names... - --Mariana-- Nov 18, 2011
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Answer 13

It is our judging of an unkind word that is at the heart of this issue , if we did not

judge the words and deeds of others then the remarks would have no effect.

For by doing so we are expecting all others to live by our codes of conduct ,

and whatever they say or do is set by not only our standards but by however

we may be feeling at that particular time that we presume the hurt.

• Yes, I agree. If the same words were said by a stranger they would have no affect, but said by someone we love and trust they take on a different meaning. - --Mariana-- Nov 19, 2011
• I am constantly working on my "judgment" of others, e.g., I often label "mean" people as "bad" but in fact they are just sad and hurt humans who don't know any better way to behave. - --Mariana-- Nov 19, 2011
• Yes Mariana it all comes down to our perception , if someone says a bad word to us on a day we feel great it has less effect than on a day when we feel bad . - ray76 Nov 19, 2011
• Therefore the word does not hold the power it is we who are always in control , if we accept that then we cannot be hurt. - ray76 Nov 19, 2011
• That is very true. - --Mariana-- Nov 19, 2011

Answer 14

I believe that we can forgive people for their mean words, but it is difficult to forget. It is important to try and treat everyone with care, respect, kindness, etc., at all times. If we do happen to err, which is human, we should make up for it as soon as possible by doing an act of kindness and apologize as well. I know, I always feel like absolute 'crap' if I utter any unkind words - it's almost scary to think how badly the receiving person may feel. Also, I believe, it is important to remember that some people dish out meanness freely because that is what they have learned and it is what they know how to do best and we should try not to take their words personally. Perhaps if we treat everyone with respect and kindness, it will eventually rub off on those less fortunate who have not been taught how to act that way.

• "Perhaps if we treat everyone with respect and kindness, it will eventually rub off on those less fortunate who have not been taught how to act that way" Wow...very well said. Thank so much for the reminder to have compassion for these people - --Mariana-- Nov 17, 2011
• More harm to the vessel who bottles up anger than to him it is lashed out on. I can take it if somebody speaks against me, it hurts me to see them hurt themselv - Amor_y_paz Nov 17, 2011

Answer 15

Gary said:

Personally I don't agree with the concept of fighting being a necessary part of any relationship

Well gary l'd have to disagree with you! in my opinion fights between friends are necessary because you get to really know who your friend is!! not by the way he acts or the words he says thru the fight, but the reaction of him after it a real friend would immediately apologize and try her or his best to make their friend happy again (even if it was his friend's fault), a one that doesn't really care would act like nothing happened when they see you the next day, and a bad one wouldn't even talk to you again.

• You have a good point, Lovely..."a real friend would immediately apologize"..but some people simply cannot see what they've done wrong or don't know how to apologize. Either way, these people lose friend after friend after friend wondering why. - --Mariana-- Nov 18, 2011
• And some of them lose wife after wife after wife, and still don't see what's wrong. - pesta Nov 18, 2011
• Oh yeah, Pesta -- they **sure** do!! - territurtle Nov 19, 2011