guidelines for formal and familiar

Question

If a friend of mine introduces me to a woman 10-15 years younger than me should I address her in the familiar or formal? If formal at what point do I switch to familiar? I'm a beginner at Spanish. Thanks, Brian

Answer 1

Hi, Brian. Welcome to the forum.

This is a great question.

I handle it this way:

While in Mexico, and now in Guatemala, I address everyone that I don't know as "usted," and once I've spoken to them a few times I switch over to to "tú." I use "tú" with children and teenagers. People older than me stay as "usted" until they tell me otherwise.

My friends in Spain say that they use "tú" with everyone, even strangers.

• That is a great rule of thumb! - gintar77 Jul 10, 2011
• Thanks to you and everyone who answered, it was very helpful. - bbartley76 Jul 13, 2011

Answer 2

No doubt Spanish speaking natives will give you some real indications but when I was in Spain recently, everybody, addressed me in the "tú" form. I was chatting in a Barbers shop and asked if it was appropriate to speak in "tú" or "usted" form. He looked at me as though I'd got 5 heads lol and said..."tú, tú"!

• Hola, Billy. I don't think that you need an accent on the "u" in "usted" :) - SonrisaDelSo Jul 10, 2011
• thank you Sonrisa, you are correct :). By the way I'm just reading through that Spanish Conversational book you recommended. Its really good!! - billygoat Jul 10, 2011

Answer 3

How does she address you? Did she ask you about your preference or simply assume one. I would take my cue from her, but I don't think that you would hurt her feelings unduly if you just asked her in which form that she would prefer to be addressed.

The tricky part is how to ask. You wish to leave her with a graceful way to answer. If you simply say «¿Pudiera tutearte?» she may find it awkward to say no, thinking that you will perceive it incorrectly. I would remove any personal nuances and just (naively) ask about the regional customs concerning your situation. Just comment that you do not know the appropriate manner to address her according to regional usage. Let her inform you of her preference by talking about others in a similar situration. Make it plain that you are trying to avoid some social faux pas through ignorance. That way there need be no hurt feelings caused by mistakenly misreading the answer. (I wouldn't read in any interest or disinterest or anything else into the tone selected).

When in Rome...

• Hey, now here's the best answer to the question I've seen. Thanks "Q" !! - territurtle Jul 10, 2011
• It's a first meeting, so when I meet her I may need to address her first. I think I'll use the formal at first, then take my cue from her responses. Also she'll be able to tell right away that I'm a beginner at Spanish, so hopefully some slack will be cut - bbartley76 Jul 13, 2011

Answer 4

When in Costa Rica, they continued to use the usted form... very confusing to me. Because of that, I didn't get a good handle on using the "tú" form.

Answer 5

I like Q's answer above. This has been a very touchy situation in other languages for me. I don't know about Spanish, but I suspect different groups (even within the same country) have different preferences.

From other languages I know, it can be a most grievous insult!! ... And I do mean grievous. You can get yourself completely and permanently excluded from some circles.

Since most people begin learning a language in their teens or early twenties, where everyone usually addresses each other in the same age group as "tú," they fail to be imprinted with just how great an insult you can deliver in certain situations.

I'm writing from exceedingly painful experience, here

• Thanks for the reply, that's what I'm hoping to avoid is an insult - bbartley76 Jul 13, 2011